Ars Amatoria
by Diamond Mask
Summary: Kakuzu will resort to any means to rid himself of Hidan. Even if it means seducing him. Kakuzu x Hidan. YAOI.
1. Chapter 1

**Ars Amatoria**

**Chapter One**

**Summary**: Kakuzu will resort to any means to rid himself of Hidan. Even if it means seducing him. Kakuzu x Hidan.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own _Naruto_ or any of the respective characters.

**Warnings**: Language and yaoi.

**A/N**: I never thought there would come a day when I would actually write Kakuzu x Hidan yaoi. While I love the two of them absolutely, the idea of the two of them together somewhat repulses me (even though the pairing is warming to me while I write XD). But I promised my sister I would write something for her, and the first thing she said was "Kakuzu x Hidan YAOI!". Hence why this story exists.

Enjoy the first chapter.

* * *

When it came to punishment, Kakuzu was a firm believer in good old-fashioned pain.

It worked in his favour, certainly. Interrogation was an important skill in his line of work and nothing could loosen a tongue more than a demonstration of what he could do to a spleen or kidney, and how many creative uses he had for a spine. His former partners could certainly attest to that principle, having each incurred his wrath and receiving a broken neck in return. Or being beaten to death with their own colons, which was one of his tried-and-tested favourites.

Yes, Kakuzu would admit that the punishments he gave out had the nasty habit of turning into murder. And perhaps he _was_ out of line – just a little, of course.

But it was hardly his intention.

He never meant to kill them. It was hardly _his_ fault that they were weak in the first place, because really, was ripping out a kidney such an excuse for a shinobi to die?

Of course, his leader was never satisfied with this feeble explanation. And Pein (being Pein and a miserable, spiteful bastard with nothing better to do) had settled on a unique punishment that would inflict the worst physical and mental torture on Kakuzu.

Hidan.

The ingenuity of this plan would have escaped even the Nara boy from Konoha, and Kakuzu was forced to admit that his superior was the leader of the Akatsuki for a reason. His new partner embodied everything that drove him mad – he was bitchy, whiny, religious and _pretty_. Indeed a week after being assigned to Hidan, Kakuzu was bashing his head against the wall in an attempt to escape. Within a month, the Falls nin had attempted suicide multiple times without success. He should have succeeded. Kakuzu was a shinobi; all he had to do was stab himself in the neck with a kunai or something. But he failed every single time he tried to kill himself.

And the reason for this failure?

Yep, you guessed it.

Hidan. _Again_.

Not only was Hidan the reason for his attempted suicides, he was also the one who kept fucking up Kakuzu's plans to kill himself. Now you may have wondered why Kakuzu didn't just go to the root of his problem and kill his partner. It should have been easy. He had all the experience and no moral qualms about homicide.

The answer was simple. He couldn't. Not only was Hidan bitchy, whiny, religious and pretty, he was also _immortal_. So no matter how hard Kakuzu tried to kill him, the Jashinist refused to die. To make it worse, the bastard actually _liked_ pain. His insane rituals always culminated in impaling himself through the chest in worship for his God.

Understandably, this pissed Kakuzu off big time.

Kakuzu grimaced as he felt the beginnings of a migraine pinch his temple and stared morosely at the books and ledgers scattered across his bed. For the first time in a hundred years, he was behind in his banking records.

Pein was demanding the yearly budget that was now a month overdue… Deidara and Kisame were demanding their allowances for the week…. the petty cash box was empty…

To make a long story short, he was knee-deep in shit. _Agonizing_ shit, if Pein were to find out that the organization was short of cash this month.

Usually he would never allow himself to become so sloppy, especially when money was at stake. Money was his work, his love, his _life _– unfortunately, plotting to kill Hidan was draining all of his time and energy, leaving money in the dirt.

He scowled. And what did he have to show for all his plotting?

Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

Hidan was still alive, being a regular pain in his ass.

Obviously Kakuzu needed a major change in strategy if he was going to cut his partner out of his life permanently.

Anything physical was out of the question since Hidan was immortal and possessed an absurdly high tolerance for pain. The Falls nin leaned back on his pillow, staring pensively at the ceiling. That left him with only one option, really. To get rid of Hidan, he would have to attack the religious man mentally.

Hmm. This method could prove to be rather problematic. There were no genjutsu in his arsenal capable of wreaking such damage, and there was no way he could get Itachi to cooperate with him.

No, using a jutsu would not yield the required results.

Kakuzu frowned, rubbing the worn corner of his lucky dollar bill thoughtfully between thumb and forefinger.

Did Hidan have a weakness? As far as Kakuzu knew, his interests only stretched as far as his God and his appearance; the moron was completely oblivious to anything else. But Kakuzu couldn't very well destroy a religion, and while shaving all Hidan's hair off would prove very satisfying, it would only be a temporary solution. He needed a tactic that would destroy his partner _completely_.

But what could Kakuzu possibly do to drive Hidan mad? Besides exist, obviously.

He was still musing on how to go about this when the source of all his woes walked in through the door, slamming it behind him. Hidan spared his clearly miserable partner a brief glance and smirked.

"Well, aren't you just a little ray of goddamn sunshine. Did your boyfriend dump you or something?"

Kakuzu scowled. "Money problems," he said shortly, picking up the ledger in his lap. "I'm busy, Hidan. Don't you have someone else to bother?"

"Hey asshole, this is my room too. Besides," he gestured wryly to his blood-splattered chest, making a face. "I need to clean this blood off before I start to reek. I haven't completed my sacrificial quota for this week and it's kinda hard to convince virgins to follow me when I smell like blood."

"Fine," the Falls nin muttered. "Just keep quiet. And you can only shower for five minutes – don't force me to impose water restrictions. Our budget is strained enough as it is."

"Yeah, yeah. Like hell I will. Listen, I work my ass off for this shitty organization, and if I want to take three showers a day, I'll fucking do it. Freaking heathen bastard telling me how long I can shower… seriously, what the fuck…"

With that said, he shrugged off his bloodstained cloak, dumping it in a heap on the carpet. Kakuzu clicked his tongue in annoyance –the carpets had just been cleaned a week ago– and glared pointedly at his partner. Hidan just as pointedly ignored him and continued undressing.

Kakuzu continued to glare at him. He spent a small fortune on maintaining the headquarters, and as usual, no one appreciated what he did. _Especially_ Hidan. If the bastard didn't pick up his cloak before the blood had a chance to soak into the carpet, Kakuzu was going to go over there and shove the damn thing down his throat. Really, he-

"Hey," the Jashinist said abruptly, pants around his ankles. "If you don't stop checking me out right now, Kakuzu, I'm gonna rip your fucking eyes out."

The Falls nin blinked. "…what?"

"You heard me. Stop staring at my ass or I'll mess you up, seriously."

"I'm not…I would never–"

Kakuzu blanched at the thought that he would purposely look at Hidan's _backside_ but then he stopped, frowning thoughtfully as he realised something.

For a celibate priest who was supposedly asexual, Hidan was unusually preoccupied with homosexuality. Actually, now that he thought about it, Hidan was almost _obsessed_ with it. Memories flashed through his mind: Hidan warning him not to come in the bathroom while he was in the shower (like Kakuzu even _wanted_ to see him naked in the first place), Hidan always mentioning loudly and frequently that he would disembowel anyone who came near his ass, Hidan always delivering sermons to the Akatsuki on the evil lusts which arose in an organization which consisted largely of men… no, this _had_ to be it!

The man was either severely homophobic or a repressed flaming homosexual.

Either way… his stitched lips pulled in a grotesque leer. With the plan Kakuzu now had in mind, Hidan was sure to go mad. The only flaw was that Kakuzu wasn't sure that he would be able to keep his sanity. However, if it meant getting rid of Hidan, he was prepared to put up with anything, even if it meant losing his dignity within the Akatsuki.

He took a deep breath and steeled himself.

"So what if I'm staring? You have a great ass."

Hidan froze. "…_what_?"

"You have a nice ass," Kakuzu repeated, green eyes flicking down. "Why wouldn't I look when you're standing half-naked in front of me?"

The Jashinist let out a strangled noise of hysteria and snatched up his clothes to cover himself.

"Y-You… you're fucking joking, right?"

His partner shrugged nonchalantly, choking down the bile that was threatening to spew out of his mouth. Good god, he was complimenting Hidan on his _ass_. "I guess I just never noticed until now," he said casually. "Really, you have a perfect ass. Such pert, firm cheeks… and I never noticed how smooth your skin was… no wonder you spend so much money on moisturiser. I'd love to–"

Hidan never hung around to hear exactly what Kakuzu would love to do to his ass. He was traumatised enough as it was at the idea that Kakuzu liked _looking_ at his ass. Kakuzu, the worst sinner on the planet, number one on his 'Heathens Must Die' hit list, _thought he had a_ _great ass_.

The religious nin clapped a hand over his mouth before fleeing into the bathroom.

Kakuzu smiled at the sound of Hidan heaving his guts out into the toilet.

Not even the sound of jingling coins could sound so good.

He waited patiently for the retching to stop, enjoying the panicky gasps that came with the sound of the toilet flushing. As the pale face edged around the doorway, Kakuzu quickly pasted on an expression of fake concern.

"Hidan, are you alright?"

Hidan paled even further. Kakuzu was never concerned about him. He could be severed in half, bleeding all over the ground and Kakuzu wouldn't even bat an eyelid while he was sewing his intestines back together. It was like a rule between them. No, it was a sacred oath that had been established the day Pein had forced them to become partners: Kakuzu was supposed to hate him, not _lust_ after him!

"Kakuzu…" he choked out. "I'm going to fucking kill you if you try anything with me. _Seriously_."

"That's okay," Kakuzu said patiently. "I can wait until you're ready."

Hidan's face twisted. "Look, I'm religious, okay? I've made a vow of celibacy. Touch me, and God will smite you. You hear that? I'm his disciple, and my body is sacred property. God will smite you if you lay one heathen finger on me!"

"I'm already going to hell," Kakuzu shrugged. "I might as well have some fun before I go."

Hidan swayed where he stood, feeling faint.

"Seriously, I'm not joking. Jashin will fucking kill you if you try to violate me."

The Falls nin smiled slowly.

"I've never turned down a challenge before."

* * *

**To Be Continued**

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Ars Amatoria **

**Chapter Two**

**A/N**: I am now officially hooked on Kakuzu x Hidan.

* * *

Kakuzu woke up the next morning feeling like a new man.

He stretched his arms above his head, the stitches across his lips gaping wide as he yawned. For once, he thought lazily, he actually had the chance to revel in the new business opportunities that each day brought. For once, he didn't have to fret about how much money Hidan was wasting with a twenty minute shower. For once, he could actually take the time to spend five minutes reflecting on how much he loved money, rather than chase after Hidan, screaming about sticking to the budget. And damn did it feel good.

Speaking of which…

Kakuzu looked across at the bed next to his, and grinned broadly.

It was empty. Gloriously, wonderfully, _empty_.

Still grinning stupidly, the Falls nin flopped back on his pillows with a satisfied grunt. No loud prayers echoing in his ears. No rattling rosaries being thrust in his face at every turn. No blood being leaked on the furniture. No complaining, no whining, no preaching. Just glorious, blessed _silence_.

If Kakuzu believed in a god, this was the moment he would have gone down on his knees in praise.

After a few more blissful moments, Kakuzu rolled over onto his side, dipping one hand beneath his pillow for his lucky quarter. He rolled it absentmindedly over his knuckles, staring thoughtfully out of the window as he contemplated what to do next.

The seed had been planted. Hidan was so disturbed at the thought that Kakuzu might be attracted to him that he had avoided coming to bed altogether the previous night. Hopefully he was never coming back. A smirk of satisfaction tweaked his lips as he recalled Hidan bursting out of the bedroom last night, shrieking frantic prayers and brandishing his rosary like a hand grenade. He hadn't even showered before running out, and that was the cherry on top for Kakuzu. Hidan had been absolutely filthy and covered in dried blood. Hidan _hated_ being filthy! It had been beautiful to watch, absolutely beautiful.

Now he needed to capitalise on it. And if there was one thing Kakuzu understood, it was capital.

* * *

For Tobi, even the most menial household task was special. He dedicated himself to every aspect of caring for his fellow Akatsuki, performing every task with a bright smile, a cheerful word and, most importantly, _love_. There was nothing this self-proclaimed good boy would not do for these seven men.

Take breakfast, for example.

Every morning, Tobi took it upon himself to prepare a tasty and nutritious meal so that each missing-nin could begin the day with a healthy, positive start. But it never stopped there, oh no. The table was always beautifully set, complete with fresh flowers and clean linen napkins, and the daily newspaper was always waiting at the head of the table for Pein. All this meant that when the Akatsuki emerged from their bedrooms, yawning and rubbing the sleep from their eyes, the smells of pure love would greet them.

Of course, all of this effort was wasted on Kakuzu. It was a waste of time, time was money, therefore Kakuzu did not waste time – and Tobi did.

This particular morning, however, he was in a sunny mood and might have forgiven Tobi even if he had splurged on butter croissants and imported coffee – but no, that was far more out of character than he was willing to go. Tobi would be a very _dead_ boy if he tried it.

Humming cheerfully under his breath, Kakuzu made his way to the table where the Akatsuki were already seated.

He cast a meticulous eye around the table as he usually did every morning, ready to pounce if he saw anything violating the strict household budget. If there was anything that cost over four dollars, God help them…

Firstly, Deidara. The Iwa-nin was busy tearing a cheap banana muffin into pieces for his other mouths before he got started on his cereal, which was slowly becoming a soggy mess because he was too busy cooing nonsense to his hands. Kisame was occupied with his own cornflakes, enthusiastic to the point where a spoon wasn't even necessary. The Mist nin was perfectly content with shoving his head in the bowl and ravaging the crisp flakes with his teeth. Itachi was concentrating on a piece of buttered toast like he was trying to burn a hole through it with his Sharingan, before slowly taking a bite and chewing mechanically – he was also ignoring the fragments of cornflakes that dusted his pristine hair, courtesy of Kisame's rather untidy eating methods. Konan was stabbing her fork through a pancake, scrutinising it carefully before popping it into her mouth in a very ladylike manner. Pein was glaring at his newspaper, mumbling indiscriminately about politics and the exchange rate while slurping coffee out of a mug emblazoned with the words 'NO.1 LEADER'.

Good. Kakuzu nodded in satisfaction and let his eyes settle on the last person at the breakfast table.

Ah, his supposed 'crush'. Or should we say, victim.

Much to his delight, Hidan was sitting there looking pale and edgy. When he saw Kakuzu, he let out a strangled noise that was somewhere between a squeak and a yelp, and immediately cupped his hands protectively over his backside.

Kakuzu smiled predatorily, taking his seat opposite the Jashinist.

Leisurely, he poured a cup of coffee, taking a deep, appreciative sniff. He took a sip, keeping his movements deliberately slow. He knew Hidan was watching, so he swallowed before looking up to meet wide violet eyes, and slowly ran his tongue along his upper lip to collect any leftover drops.

Amazing. His partner was actually starting to _sweat_, Kakuzu observed gleefully, and he could barely keep from chuckling out loud when Hidan shot out of his chair as if it was on fire.

"Is something wrong, Hidan-san?"

Tobi flounced over, replete with a lurid pink apron tied around his waist and a steaming coffee pot in hand. The apron, already an eyesore, added insult to injury by having the phrase "kiss the nin-cook" splashed across the chest in bold script.

"Forgot to… uh, sacrifice someone, so… yeah, I gotta go before I miss my spiritual quota for this month …"

"But Hidan-san, I made your favourite pancakes!"

"I don't want your goddamn pancakes!"

Kakuzu, who had been enjoying the show up till then, frowned suddenly and leaned forward, a thread snaking out from underneath his cloak and wrapping itself around Hidan's exposed ankle to yank him back down onto his chair.

"Sit down and eat, Hidan," he said sternly, "the money for pancake ingredients isn't easy to come by."

Kakuzu was willing to pretend that he was lusting after Hidan, but he would be damned if he allowed him to waste food. Didn't he realise that the ingredients for those pancakes had cost money? Did he think the batter had simply fallen from the sky? Hidan would eat the pancakes Tobi had made, or Jashin help him, Kakuzu would shove it down his ungrateful throat!

Hidan glared balefully at him, irritation overshadowing his urge to run. "Listen, I'll wipe my _ass_ with the stupid pancakes if I want to―"

As Hidan's rant continued, rapidly escalating in length and volume, Kakuzu's patience began deteriorating at an equally rapid pace. If there was one thing that made him lose it, it was Hidan's whining. But today, Kakuzu didn't have to resort to violent means to shut him up… oh no, he had a far more torturous, _fun_ method.

"I can understand why you don't want to eat the pancakes, Hidan," he said pleasantly.

His partner stopped in mid-rant, giving him a suspicious look, and opened his mouth to retort, but Kakuzu interrupted him before he could start his tirade again.

"Tobi uses pure butter for his pancakes, doesn't he? That's most certainly 'a moment on the lips, forever on the hips'," he quoted smoothly. "It may be quite perky now, but who knows what will happen if you continue eating the way you do. You wouldn't want to end up with a sagging backside, would you?"

"_I do not have a fat ass!_"

The Falls nin shrugged whimsically, leaning forward with a smirk on his lips. "It doesn't matter to me," he said in a low, husky voice. "Personally, I like a bit of meat to hold on to."

The blood drained from Hidan's face instantly.

"That's it!" he shrieked, jumping to his feet and slamming his fists down on the table. "I don't have to take this shit from you! I swear if you even _look_ at me with your heathen eyes again, I'll fucking gouge them out― Jashin will make you pay for this desecration, and I'll make damn sure you burn in hell for eternity! "

A startled hush fell over the table and the other Akatsuki stared at Hidan, food even falling out of Deidara's open mouth. Itachi honestly couldn't have cared less and continued chewing mechanically on his toast. The Jashinist flushed when he saw them staring at him.

"What?" he snapped. "I'm just telling this prick to stay away from me. If you knew what he did to me last night―"

"Hidan," Kisame said suddenly in a puzzled voice, cocking his head. "You're wearing a shirt."

"Huh? What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"You never wear shirts. It's unnatural, un."

"Oh, fuck you, Deidara! I'll wear a shirt if I feel like it, dammit."

"But why have you decided to start wearing one now?" Konan asked, looking mildly interested now. "Quite frankly, this is the first time I've ever seen you wearing a shirt. I wasn't even aware that you owned one."

"What is this, the fucking Inquisition? I'm wearing a shirt because I want to, for God's sake!"

"I'm somewhat interested in the reason myself," the leader said suddenly, staring at them over the top of his newspaper.

Hidan flushed. What was he was supposed to tell Pein? That he was wearing a shirt because his partner had decided out of the blue that he was _attractive_? The situation suddenly seemed profoundly embarrassing, and he knew that Pein would not only dismiss his complaint completely and tell him to go die in a ditch somewhere, but that everyone else would laugh their asses off. If he told them the truth about Kakuzu, he would never live it down; Deidara and Kisame would make sure of it.

"I'm wearing a shirt because it's cold," he mumbled angrily. "This shitty cloak isn't keeping me warm at all."

"Poor Hidan-san," Tobi said sympathetically, patting his shoulder. "If you'd like, I can give you one of the blankets from my own bed," he offered brightly. "I don't mind being a little bit cold if it makes Hidan-san feel better."

"I don't want blankets that have been on a heathen's bed."

"Ne, If you're cold in your room, you can always cuddle up next to Kakuzu, un." Deidara said slyly, poking Hidan with the end of his spoon.

Hidan's face flamed red. "Are you out of your freaking mind?"

"There's nothing wrong with snuggling your partner, Hidan-san. Deidara-sempai and I do it all the time. When it's cold he likes to sneak into my bed and we—"

It was Deidara's turn to flush. "Shut up, you idiot! You're not supposed to tell them that!"

Kisame raised a brow, the beginnings of a nasty grin tweaking his mouth. "Deidara, you like to cuddle? With Tobi? In _bed_?"

"There's nothing wrong with that, Kisame-san," Tobi said, a bit indignantly. "Haven't you ever cuddled with Itachi-san?"

Itachi glanced up at the mention of his name. "It was cold," he said indifferently, flicking a cornflake out of his hair.

Kisame's gills flushed rosy pink and Deidara snickered.

"Never knew you were the cuddling type, Kisame-_chan_," the blonde said snidely. "Does Itachi rock you to sleep and sing you a lullaby as well, un?"

"O-Of course not!"

"It's unseemly to lie, Kisame." the Uchiha remarked dispassionately, unaware of his partner's agony – or perhaps, _perfectly_ aware.

"But, Itachi-san, you're _not supposed to tell _them that!"

In the meanwhile, Hidan's face had darkened to a nasty shade of puce. He stared at the group of criminals with a horrified expression, a nerve twitching erratically above his eye. "Blasphemy," he gasped. "Perversion. Evil!"

"What, you only noticed that now?"

The Jashinist shuddered, his fists clenching. A familiar, fanatical light was beginning to glimmer in his eyes and his breathing grew steadily harsher.

_Oh, lord, not again_, Konan thought tiredly, recognising the signs of one of Hidan's infamous sermons._ It'll be the third one this week_. Within all of a minute, Konan knew he would be frothing at the mouth as he ranted and raved. If she had to listen to him preaching about the hellish consequences of the organization's so-called 'wicked lusts', the blue-haired woman swore she was going to shove a ream of paper down his throat and seal his mouth after with an explosive tag. Unfortunately, Pein had pointed out with as much resignation on his part as on hers that Hidan was far more useful to the Akatsuki alive than dead.

"I won't tolerate another sermon at the table, Hidan," she said, suppressing the urge to stab her fork through his eye. "Save it for the pulpit. Just keep your mouth shut and eat."

"Listen, bitch, you're one of the people first in line for a one-way ticket to hell—"

"…You may want to think twice before you finish that sentence, Hidan."

The silver-haired man winced as Pein's eyes glared at him over the top of his newspaper.

"Fine," he snapped. "I'll eat the fucking pancakes. But I'm not gonna like it, you prick."

Pein stared at him a moment longer. "Call me that again, Hidan, and I'll have your tongue nailed to the ceiling."

A sulky expression swept over Hidan's features but he kept quiet, knowing full well —and from unfortunate experience— that Pein could and would deliver on his threat. He glared at the stack of pancakes lying innocently on his plate, and began stabbing them repeatedly, muttering obscenities under his breath.

Gradually, his mutterings dulled to a background murmur and conversation around the Akatsuki's breakfast table settled on more familiar subjects, such as the most efficient and orderly way to disembowel a struggling shinobi with a blunt kunai while trying to remain hidden from pursuers.

Hidan ate quickly, still moping. Pein was forever stealing his thunder, and the Jashinist had been prepared to give one of his favourite sermons on lust. You would think that he would be grateful for advice on how to mend his heathen ways and follow the true path, but nooo, Pein _wanted_ to indulge in his wicked sins and burn in hell. Hah, let him. For all Hidan cared, they could all burn. Especially Kakuzu, he—

Oh, fuck.

Kakuzu smiled wickedly when Hidan's eyes met his, and gave his partner a jaunty 'remember me?' wave. Oh, if only Hidan knew what he had planned for him… and he wouldn't dare cause a fuss now, not when Pein was already irritated enough to impale his tongue to the ceiling. Carefully, he slid his foot along the tiled floor, inching towards his partner. Hidan was watching him apprehensively but could only concentrate on watching his upper half. He certainly would have had no idea that Kakuzu was doing something involving _feet_. Halfway towards Hidan, he paused. His legs weren't long enough to play a little game of morning footsy.

Well… Kakuzu grinned. If his legs aren't long enough…

A length of black thread slowly unfurled itself from beneath his skin and slithered out, creeping steadily over the floor before inching up Hidan's clothed leg. Kakuzu kept sipping his coffee innocently, watching Hidan out of the corner of his eye. The Jashinist was trying to eat his pancakes, taking small, quick bites while his eyes flickered nervously from side to side. Kakuzu smirked. Did Hidan really think his partner was going to leap across the table and pounce on top of him in front of the entire Akatsuki? Really, Hidan was _such_ a drama queen.

Hidan watched Kakuzu, growing increasingly paranoid as he watched a little smirk growing wider and winder. The bastard was up to something, Hidan could feel it —it even _tickled_, like it was actually crawling… across his… skin… Hidan's eyes widened, and he slowly lifted the tablecloth.

A clump of black threads from Kakuzu's body was _caressing his thigh_.

There was a sudden high-pitched shriek, and Hidan shot up with terrific speed, scrabbling madly away from the table. While the rest of the table's occupants looked on in surprise and curiosity, the Jashinist blasted out of the room like lightning.

* * *

Hidan tore down the bedroom passage, ducking into the first bedroom (which happened to belong to Zetsu) before slamming the door shut and leaning against it, panting heavily. No, no, not enough. Had to get further away, had to hide! He stooped to avoid the heavy tendrils of ivy suspended from the ceiling, and took a running dive under the bed.

Enclosed by the warm darkness, Hidan felt some measure of calm returning… or not.

_This_, he thought wildly, _this is divine punishment. God, why are you tormenting me? I've been a good disciple until now – I sacrifice three virgins a week! _

He rolled onto his side, head cradled in his hands. If Jashin… if Jashin had abandoned him…

_No. My God loves me! I know he does! I'm a good disciple, I know I am!_

Or perhaps Jashin was testing him. Unbidden, Hidan wrinkled his nose. Testing his devotion by having _Kakuzu_ hit on him? That seemed a little… extreme. And more than a little icky. No, it was all out disgusting. This was Kakuzu he was talking about it. _Kakuzu_.

He frowned up at the bottom of the bed, swatting absentmindedly at the miniature Venus flytrap that had been inching towards his leg (the question of why Zetsu was growing a Venus flytrap under his bed was too much for Hidan's scarred psyche to deal with at that moment).

_Goddammit, couldn't you have picked, I dunno, Red-eye, or something?_

Even Deidara would have been a better choice. At least the blonde was _pretty_. Because Kakuzu was definitely not pretty. He was the very definition of hideous. And those threads… those black threads which could come out of nowhere and virtually molest him. Hidan shuddered, remembering the feel of those threads inching along his unsullied skin. Yes, that was definitely what Kakuzu was doing. He was deliberately molesting him! How could he sleep in his bedroom now, knowing that Kakuzu was going to molest him? Would he forever have to sleep on the couch? Fuck that, how could he even _live_ in headquarters knowing that Kakuzu was constantly thinking dirty thoughts about him?

Unless… he _wasn't_ in headquarters.

"I have to leave the Akatsuki," he realised aloud.

Hidan had to leave as quickly as possible, before his celibacy and sanctity were compromised. And he had to leave now, before anyone finished breakfast or came looking for him – especially before Pein realised he was abandoning the organisation. It didn't matter either way, he didn't care about saying any goodbyes. He hated them all. Bunch of heathen pussies, the lot of them. He wouldn't miss them.

Not at all. Not even Tobi. Nope, he definitely wouldn't miss that idiot.

Hidan hesitated, fingers clenching on the shrubbery that was growing under Zetsu's bed.

Right. He was abandoning the Akatsuki. Now. Hidan began wriggling out, cursing when vines entangled themselves around his ankles. Okay, seriously, one of these days he was going to invade the fucking jungle that was Zetsu's room and spray it with a gallon of pesticide. He pulled himself out from under the bed, kicking at vines which he could have sworn squeaked in protest.

He was surprised to feel a papery substance under his fingers and he glanced down to see a pamphlet tangled around a shrub. Curiously, he unfolded the pamphlet, idly noting the words 'escort service' but almost fainted when he saw the picture on the cover.

A woman. A _naked_ woman. Her face plastered with gaudy makeup, she leered up at Hidan with what was supposed to be a seductive gaze. He choked as the image of naked female breasts burned themselves onto his retinas, and he flung the obscene leaflet away, already feeling Jashin's wrath descending upon him.

His eyes, his precious unsullied eyes, had gazed upon a prostitute. A _whore_.

Hidan scrambled clear of the bed and immediately sat on his knees, clasping his rosary tightly between his hands in prayer.

"God, please forgive me for the sin I've just committed. Once again, I have fallen under the unclean influence of heathens. I ask for thy blessing and the strength to continue living in this blasphemous household. To repent, I promise to sacrifice five virgins in thy name, seriously. And—"

Hidan paused mid-prayer, eyes narrowing as he realised something.

What if Kakuzu's abnormal behaviour was simply because he was... horny? Kakuzu was a cheapskate of the highest degree, it was to be expected that he couldn't bring himself to pay for sex when he wanted it. Hidan knew that Kakuzu had the morals of a dog. He certainly wouldn't complain if his partner brought him a prostitute for _free_.

The more he thought about it, the more Hidan was convinced that this was his answer. Once Kakuzu's lust was sated, there would be no need for him to chase after his ass. Hidan's virginity would be saved and he wouldn't have to leave the Akatsuki.

But oh, the irony. A prostitute, a _prostitute_ of all people, was going to be his saving grace.

Hidan glared up at the ceiling.

Seriously, there were times when his god had a pretty fucked up sense of humour.

* * *

**To be continued**

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Ars Amatoria**

**Chapter Three**

* * *

**  
**

Meticulous preparation was the key when dealing with heathens.

Clad in the simple, pure white robe Jashinist priests wore during their most special and holy rituals, Hidan scrutinised his reflection in the mirror, satisfied with his angelic appearance.

The intensive ten-hour cleansing ritual had clearly been a success. He sniffed his wrist and smirked, the sharp perfume of anointing oils tickling his nose. To put it mildly, his purity was such that depravity and sin would simply melt away if they made contact with him.

He flashed the mirror a confident smile. No prostitute was going to taint _his_ sanctified flesh. His holy honour could withstand the deepest, most depraved dens of sin known to man. Hidan squinted at his image again, and adjusted the freshly-polished beads of his rosary, making sure it was positioned on his chest just so to catch the light – for that extra shimmer.

Completely satisfied that he could outshine the brightest of angels, Hidan glided down the stairs, carefully avoiding tripping over the hem of his robes. Headquarters was quiet at noon and he began to hum one of his favourite hymns under his breath, feeling enormously blessed for a change.

"_You look good enough to eat today._"

When the rasping voice floated up from the region of his feet, Hidan tripped backwards and landed with a thump on the stairs.

"Holy— fuck, Zetsu, you scared the shit outta me!"

The head poking out from the bottom stair blinked. "Sorry," the white half said apologetically, and Zetsu rose up through the floor, shaking some stray dust off his leaves. "But I must admit you do look very nice today, Hidan."

Hidan sniffed. "Oh yeah," he muttered, "like a fucking gourmet dinner."

"_Perhaps_," the black half of Zetsu's face rasped, grinning. Then he tipped his head, watching Hidan curiously as the Jashinist straightened his robes. "Is today a special occasion?"

"You… could say that." Hidan replied carefully. "I need to go out. For a, uh, special ritual."

"Oh? What kind of ritual?"

"A special ritual."

"You already said that," Zetsu reminded him patiently. "I asked you what kind of special ritual you would be performing."

Hidan felt a drop of sweat trickle down his temple. "It's none of your fucking business, seriously."

The grass nin raised a brow. "You usually broadcast the gory details to all of us in your Sunday sermons," he pointed out dryly. "_You make blood sound very tasty_," his black half added. "_We're always hungry again after one of your sermons_."

"I, uh, don't think that was the point."

Zetsu shrugged. "To each his own."

"…Right. Well, I think I'll be going then, gotta keep on top of my spiritual quota and those heathens don't purify themselves, you know."

"Wait a minute, Hidan."

The Jashinist froze, one foot still in the air.

"I heard there was some… ah, disturbance at breakfast yesterday," the grass nin said delicately. "Leader-sama is a bit concerned about you."

"…Pein. Concerned. About me. Okay, seriously, are you on drugs?"

"Leader-sama cares about his subordinates–"

"No. No, he doesn't. Pein doesn't give a shit about any of us. Have you been living under a fucking rock?"

"Of course Leader-sama cares. We all care. He asked me to take care of you." Zetsu took a step forward. "Is everything all right, Hidan? Do you need to talk – about anything at all? I'm here to listen if you need me to."

"…Seriously, I don't need a fucking mother. And you're starting to freak me out."

Zetsu ignored him and carried on. "Leader-sama believes that there may be something troubling you. _Now talk before we make you spill your guts – and we don't mean metaphorically_," the black half of his face added threateningly.

"Er… well…"

Hidan started to sweat more profusely. He wasn't scared of Zetsu, no matter how fucking creepy he was, but it didn't help matters that he knew what the schizophrenic fancied as a snack. Eating corpses was never going to make you popular among your comrades after all. And Hidan, being immortal and all, didn't particularly _want_ to find out what being eaten and digested alive felt like.

Zetsu was still looking at him expectantly, and Hidan considered making a break for it –not that he would get very far before Zetsu or one of Pein's traps caught him– before he was hit by a bolt of inspiration that was surely divine.

"You know what? There was actually something I wanted to talk to you about," he said, digging in the pocket of his robes. "I was in your room, under your bed, looking for, um, clean socks… and I just happened to find…"

Hidan whipped the pamphlet out with a dramatic flourish.

"I never expected you to have these kinds of hobbies, Zetsu. Bonsai, yeah, but seriously, _whores_?"

Zetsu's face lit up like a forest fire. "It was an escort service. Nothing that indecent," the white half of his face spluttered, blushing furiously. "_It's like ordering take-out,_" the black half added, sounding affronted.

"That's a fucking lame excuse."

"…_The makeup makes the taste a tad too artificial but we've learned to clean them before we eat._"

Hidan blanched. _Holy Jashin, he's serious_, he thought faintly. Clearly, this was not the kind of perversion he had in mind. Then again, he should have known. Zetsu was a man-eating plant. Not the kind of person any woman, let alone a prostitute, would sleep with.

"So, er… are you going to let me out the front door?"

"No," Zetsu said pleasantly. "No, I don't think so, Hidan. We haven't had our heart-to-heart yet." His leaves rustled threateningly as he moved closer. "And you will not be permitted to leave until we have it."

Well, shit. Hidan groped at the wall behind him, wishing that a pair of gardening shears was a weapon that the Akatsuki cared to display in the house.

Which, therefore, left only one option open.

"Tobi!" he hollered. "Get your ass in here!"

From the direction of the kitchen they heard a metallic clatter and then running footsteps. Zetsu's leaves paled to a rather lovely pastel green and his alarmed gaze darted to the illicit pamphlet crumpled in his hand before his leaves turned ashen. Zetsu cast a reproaching look in Hidan's direction, hissing an ominous "we'll continue this later, Hidan," as he disappeared into the floor, leaving only the creased pamphlet sitting on the floor.

Within two seconds of the last leaf disappearing into the plush carpet, an orange-masked head popped out from around the corner.

"You called, Hidan-san?"

"Yeah," Hidan said offhandedly, gesturing to the pamphlet. "You just missed Zetsu. He was looking for you."

Tobi brightened and looked curiously in the direction Hidan's finger had pointed. "Is this for me?" he asked, bending down to pick it up. He smoothed out the creases, revealing the illicit image in its full glory.

The Jashinist smirked. "You could say that."

A deep, horrible silence fell. Hidan waited for the shriek of horror and the shattering of a friendship upon the discovery of such utterly shameful material.

"T-This is…"

Hidan's anticipation deepened until he could almost taste it. Would Tobi break down? Would he fall on his knees, begging for Hidan's forgiveness at Zetsu having yielded to temptations of the flesh?

"Is this a picture of the girl Zetsu-san likes?"

Hidan's brows furrowed. "What?"

"I've heard him at night," Tobi whispered confidentially, shuffling closer to Hidan. "Talking to a _girl _in his room."

"You're… you're shitting me."

Tobi shook his head, looking like he was about to wet himself from the excitement. "I heard him," he repeated. "Her name is Hanako-chan. He talks to her for _hours_. I'm going to ask him to introduce me!"

"Yeah," Hidan said slowly, looking bemusedly. "You do that."

Zetsu with a girlfriend? Impossible – unless she was a gardener with a fetish, or a pot plant. 'Hanako-chan' was probably one of the Venus flytraps growing under his bed or a cactus tucked away in his closet.

"Is that what Zetsu-san wanted to tell me? That he wanted me to meet Hanako?"

"…Of course. That's exactly what he wants to do. So you better go find him before he changes his mind."

Clutching the pamphlet to his chest, Tobi scampered off hollering for Zetsu. If Zetsu had any sense, he would be halfway to Cloud by now. Hidan snorted; he certainly had no sympathy when _he_ was the one in danger of being molested.

An hour later, just as dusk was falling, Hidan found himself in the red-light district of the closest town to where the Akatsuki had secreted their headquarters. Doubtful and disturbed, he stood in front of the building.

So. This… was a brothel.

He squinted up at the neon pink sign, blinking painfully at the words 'The Kitty Lounge' now emblazoned across his retina. Drawing a deep breath and muttering a quick prayer for strength to Jashin, he knocked on the door. There was a pause and a trill of "coming!" and the door opened. Bright red lips formed an 'o' of surprise at the luminescent good looks inhabiting the door step before the mouth curved into a leer.

"And what can I do for you?" she asked, eyes sweeping over him and flicking back up to give him a sultry wink which said volumes about what she would _like_ to do to him.

Hidan winced and cleared his throat, trying not to sneeze as the overpowering scent of cheap perfume filled his nostrils. "Er… yeah, hey. I'd, um, like to buy a… a prostitute."

"You and everybody else, honey," the woman drawled, lodging one hand on her hip. "Anything specific you want?"

"Yes. I need a whore."

She chuckled. "We have all kinds here, sweetheart. Girls, boys, whatever tickles your fancy."

Well. _That_ raised a disturbingly good question. What kind of whore would Kakuzu want? Hidan assumed a woman, but the Falls nin was chasing him, a bone fide male. But if he looked at it from a logical perspective, Kakuzu had never chased men before — on the rare occasions that he had company, it was always a woman. And he had reached the earlier conclusion that Kakuzu was only chasing him because he was horny, not because he had suddenly grabbed the gay end of the stick. Kakuzu needed relief and Hidan had to be the one to give it to him like this, for the sake of his celibacy.

"It's — _she's_ not for me. She's for… a friend. Yes, my friend." At the woman's sceptical look, he hurried to explain himself. "Listen, lady, I'm a priest. I don't associate with whores."

"Sure, honey. That's what they all say."

"No, seriously, I don't want her. She's for my friend."

"Honey, I'm not here to judge you. If you need to work out your kinks, I'm happy to oblige as long as you can pay."

"I'm not – dammit, bitch, _fine_. Just give me any whore, I'm – _he's_ not particular."

The woman shrugged as she stood aside to let him pass. "If that's the way you want to play it, sweetheart." She closed the door behind him and led the way, pink heels clicking on the floor and voluminous blonde hair bouncing on her back. Hidan followed, wide-eyed and clutching his rosary, frantically reciting the precepts of Jashin in his head.

"So, what kind of girl did you have in mind?"

"I told you, any kind." _Like I give a shit what kind of girl Kakuzu likes_, he thought sourly. _He can take what I give him and fucking appreciate it_.

The woman sighed and stopped in front a room numbered '7'. "Natsumo-chan will be your escort for this evening," she said, pushing the door open and ushering Hidan in. He caught a glimpse of 'Natsumo-chan' and choked. A vision of bare flesh peeking from underneath an atrociously short skirt and gartered stockings taunted his eyes. To add insult to injury, she had cat ears. And a _tail_.

He had expected the worst, but this was… the highest degree of obscenity!

"Holy Jashin, my eyes!" he shrieked, stumbling on his knees back into the hallway.

Both women blinked.

"Is there a problem, master?" Natsumo enquired coquettishly, rolling her eyes at the other woman, who only shrugged.

"T-The…" Hidan stuttered, hardly able to admit the he was on the verge of committing penitence right there and sacrificing them to his god. "The d-décor! Yes, the décor! How do you expect m-me to use a room like this? Completely unacceptable!"

"There is a love hotel across the street," Natsumo suggested delicately after a pause, shooting a quick glance at the other woman and receiving a nod. "If my room does not please you, master."

"F-Fine," he said jerkily, praying that Jashin would not smite him where he stood. Unable to think of any more excuses, he allowed himself to be led across the street to the love hotel where he handed over the credit card issued to all Akatsuki in case of emergencies. Heart-shaped key in hand, the miserable Jashinist allowed himself to be dragged to the room by Natsumo. Once inside, he closed the door with a sigh of relief. It was finally time to summon Kakuzu and get his partner off his back for good. Kakuzu could entertain himself here until dawn, while Hidan was free to serve his god in peace.

"Okay," he said, turning to Natsumo, "so all you have to do is wait for Kaku– _what the hell are you doing_?"

Natsumo blinked cutely and smiled, advancing towards him on her hands and knees, her tail flicking naughtily behind her.

"Natsumo wants to know what games master would play with her tonight," she purred, tugging the hem of his cloak and slipping her hand under it.

"N-No!"

This client was obviously in the mood of playing hard to get. Natsumo gave a mock-growl and wriggled her tail invitingly. Hidan watched in horror as her eyes gleamed and she licked her lips.

"Come to Natsumo, master!"

Hidan screamed as she pounced.

* * *

At the same time that Hidan found himself a victim of sexual harassment, Kakuzu was in his happy place. Seated at the enormous desk in the study, surrounded by towering stacks of financial documents, he was in a state of bliss. He had a pen in one hand, a calculator in the other: he may as well have been in Eden. And considering that he hadn't seen Hidan since breakfast the previous day, he wasn't surprised.

Humming under his breath, the Falls nin reached for the cash budget file and his hand paused midway when something tugged at his senses. He frowned, reaching out with his chakra to determine the source.

It was… an emergency summoning jutsu known only to members of the Akatsuki, attuned specifically to his chakra. Kakuzu groped for the summoning again, concentrating more chakra.

It had been sent by…

Hidan.

He scowled. This particular summoning jutsu was used by the Akatsuki strictly in emergencies where members needed to expend the precious reserves of chakra that teleportation required. Its use meant that Hidan was in trouble – _big_ trouble if he would summon Kakuzu. While he didn't care if Hidan died, Pein would skin him alive for ignoring an emergency summoning. Cursing aloud, Kakuzu shoved back his chair and stood, forming the seal which would instantly transport him to Hidan's location.

An instant later he appeared with a cloud of smoke in the hallway of the love hotel, kunai ready in each hand. Cautiously, he examined his surroundings, taking in the gaudy interior with a perplexed expression. Where on earth _was_ he?

He took a moment to listen carefully and what he heard made him even more confused.

Giggles? Moans? Squeals?

And it smelt like… he sniffed the air. Perfume?

Had he made a mistake? Had the jutsu malfunctioned somehow?

Kakuzu strode to the window at the end of the hallway, hoping to gain more of his surroundings. The view of the town, even at night, was familiar and he relaxed. Then he saw the place across the street, the Kitty Lounge, and it hit him. He was in the red light district. Which meant this building was the love hotel.

What the hell was Hidan doing summoning him to a _love hotel_?

Mystified, Kakuzu sent out his chakra to sense Hidan. His partner was close, Kakuzu could feel the pulse of his chakra fluttering wildly out of control. Following the unstable but unmistakeable trail, Kakuzu was led to a room marked with a large pink heart painted on the door.

Without bothering to knock, Kakuzu kicked the door open. "This had better be good, Hidan, I was doing the accounts–"

He stopped dead in his tracks when his eyes took in the room.

Hidan was lying flat on his back, straddled by a pretty girl wearing the skimpiest French maid uniform Kakuzu had ever had the pleasure of seeing. She also had a rather cute pair of cat ears perched on her head and a tail twitching _very _invitingly behind her as she continued to pin her hysterical client to the floor.

At the sound of the door banging open, the Jashinist shouted, "About time, you goddamn bastard! Get your ass over here and _help me_!"

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. Oh, this was too easy. " Did you know you have lipstick all over your face?" he pointed out candidly.

"Yes, I know I have fucking lipstick all over my fucking face!" Hidan screamed. "Get. Her. Off. Me!"

"You know, Hidan, I never would have pinned you for an ailurophile."

"_Fuck you_!"

"An ailuro-what?"

"Cat fetish," Kakuzu explained to the woman, who smiled gleefully.

"Master _is_ playing hard to get!"

"Nooooooo!"

Kakuzu grinned widely as he watched Hidan sob pitifully. But as much as he enjoyed watching Hidan suffer, he was aware that he was also watching Hidan frolic, no matter how unwillingly, with a pretty, half-naked girl.

"Playtime is over," he said, grasping the girl around the waist and hauling her off his partner. She meowed in protest, batting at him with one gloved hand. Hair mussed and ears bright red, Hidan struggled to his feet and glared at him.

"Asshole!"

Kakuzu gave him a cold look and released his hold on Natsumo. With a squeal, she was back on top of Hidan. Watching Hidan flail and thrash in agony was entertaining, until Kakuzu remembered that he was supposed to be 'lusting' after him. Regretfully, he pulled Natsumo away again, this time keeping a firm hold on her tail.

He looked at the Jashinist who lay in a gasping heap on the floor.

"You'd better have a good explanation for using the emergency summoning when you're fooling around with a girl."

"I bought her," Hidan mumbled, glaring at the floor.

"What?"

"I bought her for _you_. That's why I used the damn jutsu."

"Why would you do that?" Kakuzu demanded incredulously.

Hidan looked up, meeting his gaze defiantly. "So you would leave me the fuck alone! I can't take it, you're always staring lately, always saying _things_–"

Kakuzu snorted in disbelief but Hidan barrelled on, unable to stop the flood of words.

"–I don't get why it has to be _me_, seriously. You know about my vows, you just don't give a shit about how any of this is affecting me. But that's _you_, taking what you want, you don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. So just take her and leave me out of it!"

Panting, Hidan glared him. "Go ahead," he snapped, pointing to Natsumo. "Take what you want! _Take it_!"

Kakuzu did consider the offer, casting Natsumo a longing look. She _was_ cute, and the cat tail was rather endearing. And he did have an urge to pet her faux-fur ears.

But, Hidan…

The entire plan to get rid of Hidan was centred on his belief that Kakuzu wanted him, and him alone. If Kakuzu gave in to temptation now, he would be stuck with an immortal, bitchy partner for as long as he lived. The consequences were nothing short of horrific as Kakuzu contemplated having to wake up to Hidan's whining every day for the rest of his life. One night of sex –no matter how lovely Natsumo was– wasn't worth _that_.

"What makes you think I want her?" he said shortly, letting go of Natsumo's tail.

Hidan gaped. "But–"

"I don't want her," he repeated. "You wasted your time."

The two men stared at each other, Hidan looking faintly stunned.

Natsumo sat on the bed looking at both of them, her lips pursed in a sulk. "How long are you two going to keep this up?" she demanded crossly, dropping her act. "Make up your minds and let me do what I was paid to do."

The word 'paid' caught Kakuzu's ear and his head snapped in Hidan's direction.

"You paid her already? How much?"

"I don't know," Hidan answered irritably, avoiding Kakuzu's heated gaze and twisting his fingers together. "I just gave them the credit card, and–"

"The credit card," Kakuzu repeated numbly. "You gave them the credit card."

"Yes, I gave them the fucking credit card. How else could I pay for all this shit?"

"You used the organisation's emergency credit card to pay for a _prostitute_?"

"What else was there for me to use?" Hidan said defensively. "Being an S-class criminal makes it hard to get a job, seriously – no one wants to hire me even though I tell em' I sacrifice heathens for free. Can you believe that shit? And the Akatsuki isn't any better – Pein makes sure we get fucking peanuts for risking our lives. Plus _you're_ stingy as hell with the allowances too, so–"

"You– you… _idiot_!"

Natsumo squeaked in alarm as Kakuzu flung himself across the room but her panic quickly morphed to interest as she watched the two men tussling on the plush carpet. Even though the silver-haired man was shrieking "pervert!" at the top of his lungs and attempting to kick his partner in the groin, and the other man was seriously attempting to strangle the man beneath him while cursing incoherently, Natsumo found it… rather stirring.

"You know what?" she said thoughtfully, tucking one hand under her chin. "The two of you should totally be having sex right now."

Both men froze.

"Don't confuse loathing with sexual tension, bitch!"

Natsumo persisted. "But seriously, have you ever considered the movies? You'd make a killing."

Kakuzu paused automatically at the mention of profit. Hidan saw the motion and his eyes flashed.

"Don't even think about it, you fucking pervert!" he snarled, shoving his elbow into Kakuzu's face. Kakuzu retaliated by dropping a palm on Hidan's chest and releasing his threads. They shot out, slithering neatly under Hidan's flailing body and deftly pinning his arms to his sides. Panic lit the Jashinist's face as they tightened.

"Bondage!" Natsumo giggled appreciatively.

"Noooo! Let me gooo!"

"Forget it," Kakuzu said flatly. "Not until we get back to headquarters."

"If you don't get these filthy things off me I swear to god I will fucking cut you to within an inch of your miserable life before I rip out your fucking hearts and burn them to a cinder. Seriously, you'll be begging for Jashin's mercy before I even consider giving it to you. And I wouldn't bet on _that _happening, you sick son of a bitch!"

Kakuzu calmly reached down and punched Hidan solidly on the head, knocking him unconscious in an instant.

Natsumo made a noise of disappointment and Kakuzu looked at her.

"Stop gawking, girl. It's the only way to keep his mouth shut," he said shortly, hauling himself to his feet. He hefted Hidan onto his shoulder like a sack of potatoes where the Jashinist swayed limply.

"There are better ways to keep him quiet," she said reprovingly. Her ears twitched. "Much more entertaining ways," she added, smiling suggestively, thinking that even though this one was strange-looking, they made an excellent couple. After all, fighting between these two could only be a prelude to sex.

"Not in _my_ book." Kakuzu paused in the doorway. "I don't suppose," he said grudgingly, "that he gets a refund."

She smiled. "Not a chance," she said sweetly.

He scowled, making sure to let the door bang on Hidan's head on the way out.

It was a long walk back to headquarters and he didn't have the chakra to teleport both himself and Hidan. He strode along the main road, ignoring the strange looks and pointing fingers of the villagers. Glancing over his shoulder, he noticed (or rather, felt) Hidan's head bouncing violently on his back. Kakuzu didn't think much of his partner's comfort but it wouldn't do very well to bring the man back with severe brain trauma. It would be pointless having an immortal fruitcake in the Akatsuki.

He dumped the unconscious Hidan on the ground and inhaled sharply before he picked Hidan up again – bridal style.

The Jashinist settled against his shoulder, head nestled against his collarbone. Kakuzu gritted his teeth and hoped that no one he knew saw him like this.

He couldn't help but notice, however, that Hidan smelled good. A surprisingly soft, perfumed scent that teased his nose pleasantly. Kakuzu wrinkled his nose with a grimace, reminding himself of how much money Hidan spent to smell good.

He shifted Hidan in his arms and felt his partner stir against his chest.

"You smell." —_Nice_, Kakuzu added mentally.

"Purified… myself this…morning…" Hidan murmured groggily. "…'course I smell good, asshole."

"I never said you smelled _good_," Kakuzu began irritably, but he was met with a snore. He looked down to see Hidan snuggling in his cloak, fast asleep.

He stared at his partner for a long time before finally grumbling:

"You'd better not have a concussion, idiot."

* * *

**To be continued**

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

**Ars Amatoria**

**Chapter Four: When the Birds Come Home to Roost... Hell Breaks Loose**

**A/N: **Finally, an update. This one is a little -well, make that quite a bit- darker than previous chapters, but since Hidan and Kakuzu are naturally dark and violent characters, I might as well get the darkness out of the way. So... little non-con warning for this chapter, folks. Next chapter will definitely be a return to comedy and fluffy bits.

**

* * *

**

"_You have much pleased me, my son. Thou art fully worthy of the blessings I wish to bestow upon thee." _

Hidan smiled beatifically, bowing his head. "I only wished to serve my God," he said modestly, touching the sparkling gold halo drifting in mid-air above his head. "Seriously, sacrificing virgins and slaughtering heathens in your name is what I live for."

"_Thy dedication to thy duty and worship are truly noteworthy. Hidan, thou art truly the most deserving and loyal of mine disciples. It is only fitting that I reward thee." _

Hidan tried not to look too smug, but it was difficult to keep the smirk off his face. The inferior priests cowing at his feet only made it sweeter. "You are too kind, most holy Jashin."

"_From this day forward, let it be known that thou art not longer a mere servant. You will be known… as Saint Hidan." _

Saint Hidan. _Saint_ Hidan. _Saint Hidan_.

He rolled the name on his tongue, testing it, tasting it, and he found it to be even sweeter than that first shower of the morning.

"_Art thou content, my son?" _

"I'm fucking ecstatic."

The god looked pleased._ "And now, Saint Hidan, art thou ready to take thy rightful place at my right hand in heaven?" _

Hidan gaped, even though a part of him expected nothing less. "Seriously?"

"_Yes, seriously, my son." _

The newly proclaimed saint beamed, the very motion bringing rays of sunlight splashing onto the ground. He ascended the golden dais that held the throne resting at Jashin's right hand and sat down, barely constraining the need to jump and down screaming, "take that, you heathen fuckers!".

Hidan stroked the arms of his throne reverently, marvelling at the feel. This was what he had spent his entire life waiting for. This was the end to which he had dedicated himself; this was the pinnacle of his existence. He had always know that he was Jashin's favoured –how could he not have been for all his years of service?– and now he had proof of that in his hands.

"_And what shall be thy first act as my disciple, my son?"_

The saint raised his face to his god and smiled. As much as he would have liked to see Pein on his knees, grovelling for forgiveness, he had other priorities. "I think," he said reverently, "that I would like to see heathens burning for their sins. For eternity, too."

"_An excellent choice, Saint Hidan." _The god said approvingly._ "And which heathen wouldst thou see burn first?" _

Hidan pretended to think it over for several moments. Judging from the smile on his god's face, Jashin knew that it was akin to letting a child loose in a candy store and telling them they would have anything they wanted. Of course, the forefront name in Hidan's mind was…

"I think… Kakuzu."

"_Art thou sure that thou wilt condemn this heathen Kakuzu to burn for his sins?" _the god asked, taking amusement in his disciple's predictability.

"No heathen deserves eternal punishment more than he does," Hidan said fiercely, before adding hopefully, "and could I add some pitchforks? And maybe some boiling pitch?"

The god smiled indulgently._ "Whatever thy wish, my son. It shall fall into thy hands to punish this heathen as much as thou desire."_

Hidan grinned, lips parting in a feral smile. He trembled with anticipation as priests dragged the familiar form of his blasphemous partner to the foot of the throne. He clenched his scythe in one hand, relishing the feel of the polished wood on calloused fingers. His breathing quickened as they forced Kakuzu onto his knees, jerking his masked head up to stare into the eyes of the saint.

Hidan took a step forward. He would deliver a justice soaked in red. He would deliver the revenge that had plagued his thoughts for weeks. He would–

—actually be sleeping like a baby on the couch.

Kakuzu, seated beside his sleeping partner on the sofa in the Akatsuki's lounge, watched Hidan with an exasperated expression on his face. The Jashinist was curled into a ball, rubbing his rosary all over his face and emitting low noises of contentment.

"Mmm… Jashin-sama… 'course I want an eternity to punish sin… just gimme that sword and a noose, seriously… friggin'' heathens won't know what hit 'em… an' just you wait, Kakuzu, you're fuckin' first in line… stingy bastard… _zzzzz_…"

Kakuzu's eye twitched. Character predictability wasn't even an excuse. He reached out and prodded Hidan hard on the shoulder. He wasn't going to risk further humiliation by carrying him to their bedroom. The trip home had been embarrassing enough, so much so that Kakuzu wouldn't be able to show his face in that village for at least ten years without murdering someone.

"…_zzzzz…_ an' I said, where the fuck 've you been… 'course Jashin is the most bitchin' god ever…"

…of course, there was always the option of dragging Hidan up the stairs by his hair.

"Blasphemin'… bastard…._zzzz_…." Hidan rolled over onto his back and jammed his thumb into his mouth, sucking the digit like a newborn baby.

Kakuzu broke out of a fantasy of forcing Hidan to choke on his own fist and paused to consider his situation. It was so tempting to take the easy route and drag Hidan upstairs by his hair. He was _itching_ to grab those pristine silver locks in his fist and give them a hard yank. Oh, the glow of satisfaction that would warm his hearts at seeing silver strands littering the floor…

But that wasn't how a man was supposed to treat the object of his desire. He had to be subtle. Beguiling. He had to make Hidan squirm.

Yes. Kakuzu had to do this… the seductive way.

He sent out a probe of chakra, ensuring that there was no one else in the vicinity of the lounge to disturb them. His senses remained quiet. Most of the Akatsuki were asleep or on missions at this hour. There would be no unwanted spectators for this next display.

Looking down at the slumbering Jashinist, Kakuzu clenched his fists and told himself it was for the greater good.

_Well_, he told himself resignedly,_ all aboard. _

* * *

Wrapped in fantasises of heavenly retribution and divine carnage, Hidan slept peacefully, subconsciously hoping that that the dream would last beyond waking. Jashin was close… close as he always was when Hidan dreamed.

He groped at the couch, muttering "Jashin… sama…"

Something brushed gently across his cheek and he smiled, imagining that it was the touch of his god.

"Jashin-sama…" he murmured again. "mmm… I live to serve… take my soul, my body, whatever you need…I'll give to you…"

The touch grew more insistent on his skin. Beginning to emerge from his state of slumber, Hidan realised that the contact came from outside of what was unfortunately just a dream. He frowned as the light weight crept across his cheeks and nose, teasing his lips and tickling his chin.

"Stupid… fly…" he grumbled, swiping a hand across his face.

Whatever it was retreated only briefly before returning again, this time venturing to the open neck of his cloak. Hidan moaned sleepily in protest and rolled over, tucking himself tightly into a ball.

"Hidan," a voice whispered next to his ear. Something soft tickled his earlobe. "Wake up."

"No… gimme five minutes…"

The tickling grew more insistent, stroking forcefully across his cheeks. Hidan grumbled and stretched himself out, reluctantly opening his eyes.

Kakuzu stared down at him.

Kakuzu. With his hand next to Hidan's face, threads extending from his fingertips.

There was no fly. Only threads… _that were caressing his face_.

Trapped halfway between sleep and waking, Hidan could only blink, wondering at the hands that moved so suddenly, twisting his body till he was lying on his back. Understanding of what was happening flooded his brain, and a chorus of protests screamed out in unison when a warm weight settled over his hips.

"What the– bastard, get the fuck off me!"

"Hidan." A thumb brushed over his mouth, two fingers pinching the lips closed to prevent Hidan from biting it. "You need to learn when to keep your mouth shut."

Violet eyes darkened with anger and the body beneath Kakuzu twisted. The Falls nin smiled, stooping closer. Hidan's struggling made no difference when he had the advantage of weight and strength. Anger flashed through the other man–_the bastard was taking advantage of his weakness_– and he was disgusted at the fear that seeped over the rage –_he's touching me!_

The word_ sin_ pounded through his mind and the hand keeping his wrists manacled together tightened its grip.

No. No. No. _No_.

Threads brushed faintly over his throat and his body jerked. Words gurgled in his throat, unable to rush past his lips. Kakuzu's weight burned, the weight of sin forcing down unbearably on his chest.

Kakuzu paused, looking surprised. Anger, rage, hatred… he saw everything he expected to see, but then there was fear. He'd never seen that look on Hidan's face. He'd seen Hidan bleeding torrents on the ground, pike sticking grotesquely through his torso, the pale face graced with an insane smile as he communed in violent ecstasy with his god. Fear was never a part of the ritual.

Fear_… _Hidan was afraid of him?

No, not afraid of him… afraid of what he might _do_. The knowledge sent an upsurge of triumph shooting through him. _Where is your god now_,was what he wanted to ask. Kakuzu thrilled in that if he wanted, he could strip away that smug grin, remove all the arrogance that had pissed him off for so long.

Kakuzu was not a sadistic man. The things he had done –torture, murder and the like– had been done to serve a purpose, not for pleasure or satisfaction. Yet… one hand touched Hidan's face and felt the tautness of the muscles in the cheek. He wouldn't have been surprised to find blood in Hidan's mouth from biting the inside of his cheek in frustration.

It was so easy. Hidan had stopped struggling, he was paralysed underneath him. All Kakuzu had to was reach down and… _he's so damn sensitive_, the older man marvelled. The hand covering Hidan's mouth slid down to rest on his neck. His partner's breathing quickened, heartbeat thrumming under Kakuzu's fingertips.

Hidan's lips parted. Kakuzu bent closer. He hated Hidan, yes, but it disturbed him suddenly at just how much he wanted to hurt him. No. That didn't matter.

"Don't."

Kakuzu looked down at the pale face. It wasn't a 'don't you dare', it was more like '_please _don't'. Upon hearing that weak whisper, he felt… unsettled. Wrong. His gaze dropped to the dishevelled figure sprawled on the couch and he was dismayed to feel a familiar sensation creeping up his gut. Guilt. His grip on Hidan slackened.

The moment he let go he regretted it as Hidan's fist slammed into his stomach.

Kakuzu slumped over with a groan, pain blooming through his gut. Hidan jerked himself upright, blood returning to features sharpened with renewed fury. He pulled back his foot to shove Kakuzu off of him, but a hand shot out to grip his leg, holding it fast.

Their gazes locked. Slowly, Kakuzu lifted himself off the Jashinist, deliberately squeezing his leg hard. Hidan's mouth pulled back in a wordless snarl.

A thousand taunts came to Kakuzu's mind. Taunts to provoke, taunts to hurt, taunts to spark the violence quivering between them… taunts clamped behind his lips. A sense of dismay made his mouth taste bitter, and he mentally tried to shake it out of himself. What was he thinking? He hated Hidan. He didn't care about the Jashinist's feelings. Why would he care if he got hurt? He _wanted_ to hurt Hidan. Damn it. Damn it all to hell.

He didn't resist when Hidan shoved him to the floor. He barely heard Hidan hiss "you disgust me, heathen bastard" in a voice of contempt more vehement than Kakuzu had ever heard him utter and he barely noticed his partner storm out the door and vanish into the basement.

He only wondered why Hidan hadn't tried to kill him.

* * *

Pein was accustomed to dealing with his subordinates' eccentric tendencies in the house that the Akatsuki called home. He accepted that furniture had a tendency to explode at the most inappropriate moments (when he and Konan had been 'busy' on it or when he wad been taking a nap), and appliances were frequently mauled upon. It was commonplace for screams to be coming from the basement, and he even tolerated the fact that Zetsu's bedroom resembled a slice of the Amazon jungle.

But this was pushing it. He had come downstairs in the early hours of the morning, anticipating a cup of tea to soothe his aching stomach –a side effect from the stress of running an evil organization– and passed through the lounge to get to the kitchen only to find _this_.

He stared at the couch – his favourite couch, mind you. The same couch that the rest of the Akatsuki, save Konan, avoided like the plague even though it was the most comfortable couch in the room and was best positioned to see the television. Now it had sprouted enough ninja armaments to start a small civil war. Explosive tags had been strung up in a circle to provide a wide perimeter that prevented anyone from coming within five metres. Razor-sharp kunai were rigged on the ceiling to rain down on the trespasser, and Pein recognised the small pots of explosive clay that Deidara made for the organisation to use as grenades.

Someone had been raiding the weapons room without his permission. And that someone was snoring on _his_ couch. The boundary –the forbidden threshold that no Akatsuki had ever dared to cross– had been broken.

"Desecration," he hissed, stalking forward. With a flick of his wrist, the explosive tags and grenades vanished, returning to the storage and the kunai clattered uselessly to the floor. He paused at the couch, staring down at the sleeping figure with half-lidded eyes. Hidan slept there, curled in on himself. His body made jerking motions periodically as if he was running from something and every so often a whimper escaped him. Pein smiled, a dangerous lilt to his mouth. A nightmare, eh? A nightmare was nothing compared to the punishment that Pein had in mind. The harshest nightmare would seem like sunshine and lollipops after Pein was done with him.

He flicked his fingers again and the body on the sofa contorted painfully. Hidan spluttered his way back to consciousness, snarling "God damn it, who the _fuck_?"

Pein noted his subordinate's skittish eyes and trembling hands with some curiosity. Hmm. No matter. Far more important was finding out why Hidan had commandeered his favourite couch.

"Tell me, Hidan, what you think you are doing on my couch." He toed the remaining kunai scattered at his feet, adding coldly, "I don't recall giving you my permission to remove these from the storage room."

Hidan blinked rapidly. "…You didn't," he agreed somewhat defiantly. "But, you know, I had my reasons. That bastard, Kakuzu, he–"

"Kakuzu is of no importance," Pein interrupted shortly. "What matters is that you were sleeping on my couch and I want to know why. What made you think that you could flout the rules and sleep on my couch?"

"Listen, I'm trying to tell you that I was only sleeping here because of that molesting asshole. I can't go back to my room. Else I wouldn't sleep on your shitty couch in the first place."

Pein's eyes widened in faint outrage. Shitty couch? "For your information," he said icily, "this couch was imported. From Italy. It is not, as you say, _shitty_."

Hidan scowled. Was it his fault that Kakuzu had lost control of his hormones? Was it his fault that Kakuzu had decided that the object of his sexual desire was now him? No. He had never been so terrified and angry in his life. Kakuzu had pinned him down. He had been helpless as a child under Kakuzu, and he'd… caved in to his fear. He had been on the verge of begging Kakuzu to let him go. He'd shamed Jashin with his weakness. _I should have killed him_, Hidan told himself, _should have bled the bastard dry_. His earlier attempt at repentance shamed him as well; no amount of bloodletting and lashing could redeem him to Jashin's divinity. His skin was swollen and tender from the punishment he had given himself, and his cloak felt like sandpaper on his back, but Hidan welcomed the pain as he always did. It was incomparable to the pain he would endure had he allowed Kakuzu to–

"–and that will be the final word, Hidan, is that clear?"

"Fine," he muttered, having clearly not heard a word of Pein's lecture. "I'll stay off the fucking Italian couch. I'll sleep somewhere else."

"You will be sleeping on the room that I provided for you," Pein retorted.

"I can't… Kakuzu's there."

"I don't believe that I'm giving you a choice."

"Fuck that, I'm not going to damn my soul because of your precious couch. I'll sleep on the fucking floor then."

"Not when you have a perfectly decent room that I provided."

"I _told_ you, I won't–"

"Then I believe that I do not have a choice," Pein interjected smoothly, one hand whipping out to clasp a handful of silver hair. His fist yanked the clump tight and pulled. Hidan shrieked –more in fury than pain– before he was unceremoniously dragged up the stairs to the bedrooms. He couldn't break Pein's grip of course, but he still promised bloody and agonising vengeance nonetheless –and you could be damned sure Hidan was being vocal about it.

* * *

_He should have tried to kill me for what I did. But he didn't. _

The frown had not left his face for five hours –precisely the number of hours Kakuzu had lain awake, tossing and turning in bed. With increasing desperation, he attempted lying in different positions but only succeeded in hearing his back make a nasty cracking noise, which put an immediate stop to that. He tried counting sheep: lovely fluffy sheep jumping over an electric fence and instantly being barbecued or devoured by the wolves waiting on the other side, an image that amused him greatly but provided no respite. He thought about going downstairs to the kitchen for something to soothe his restlessness, but going downstairs could mean…_ running into him_.

His gaze flicked to the empty bed standing adjacent to his own. Hidan hadn't come to bed tonight. Of course he hadn't, Kakuzu berated himself. Hidan had no reason to come back here. For the first time in months, Kakuzu had the room to himself. There was no one bitching at him for snoring and chucking pillows at his head, no one running the shower at all hours of the morning just because they "fucking felt like a shower, damn it". There was no one preaching at him and trying to save his soul by sticking a ceremonial spear through his chest. No one.

Absolutely no one.

This was ridiculous. He pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath. He should be grateful for the slightest bit of peace he got. This was the moment he had fantasised about for months. It should have been glorious. Kakuzu let out his breath with a whoosh and winced at how loud it sounded without the presence of one more body in the room.

He swore –loudly, just to fill up the silence with _something_– and reached underneath his bed for the canister of coins he kept there for comfort. The jangle and clink of metal falling against each other onto the bedspread and the familiarity of the sound forced a wave of warmth to flow through him. Soon, Kakuzu relaxed into the rhythm of counting, counting the coins methodically and ordering them into neat, exact piles. His voice filled the quiet, melding with the silence and the sound of his breathing.

Better. This was better. Money made sense. Money wasn't emotional. Money wouldn't bitch at him. Yes. Money would not ask anything of him. He rolled the coin between his fingers, feeling the metal warm under his touch. Just like how Hidan's skin had flared into intense warmth underneath his fingertips… responding to… his–

Shit. The coin dropped from his fingers.

Images of Hidan pinned helpless underneath him, cheeks flushed and parted lips begging for more... the vivid red staining the pale skin of his body, spreading to more than just his face… he could see entangled hands venturing further than he would have dared or even wanted… fingers wrapping eagerly around his waist…

And he heard Hidan's voice whisper, "Kakuzu."

The canister crashed against the opposite wall, cracking in half and scattering coins across the carpet.

That had been… no. No, no, no, _no_. What the hell had _that_ been? He would never –_could _never– think of Hidan in that way. So why… his teeth clenched hard on his bottom lip. This was a bad joke. A very bad joke.

His mother had always warned him about karma but this was ridiculous.

Unbidden, Hidan's voice seemed to brush over his ear again, caressing the lobe with a whisper. "Kakuzu-chan," faintly mocking. He felt a deep stirring and groaned aloud when he realised what it was. Arousal. A ripple of confusion mingled with disgust didn't stifle it and Kakuzu stumbled to his feet. He yanked the bathroom door open and promised himself savagely that Hidan was going to pay for this – in blood.

* * *

Pein dragged the kicking and screaming Hidan down the hallway, keeping a firm grip on the silver locks. He came to a halt outside the bedroom that the Jashinist shared with Kakuzu and glared down at his dishevelled subordinate.

"Get inside."

"No," he said desperately. "I can't. You don't get it. He's–"

"Inside. Now."

"I can't do it. Do I have to get on my fucking knees and beg you?!"

Pein gave him one of his infuriatingly impassive looks. "I can assure you that it wouldn't make a difference." Seeing Hidan's mouth opening again, he held up a hand. "I don't care what Kakuzu does to you as long as you don't die. This ridiculous… _feud_ going on between you, I care nothing for. As long as you can operate as Akatsuki, it makes no difference what you do to each other. Do you hear me? He can rip out your guts, Hidan, as long as he sews them back in afterwards and leaves you as good as new."

"I don't fucking believe this…" Hidan muttered, raking his hands agitatedly through his hair. "You don't understand what he's doing, it goes against my holy vows. Already I'm tainted, fouled by a heathen's touch–" his voice broke on the last word.

"Hidan."

The voice had softened but when the Jashinist looked up, the amber eyes had only grown harder (what had he expected to see, pity?). When Pein next spoke, the door to their room swung open silently at a small gesture from his hand.

"Get inside."

Before Hidan could bolt, Pein had picked him up by the scruff of his cloak and tossed him through the door. It slammed shut a moment later.

Hidan lay in a heap on the floor, feeling slightly dazed. Grumbling, he shook his head, and picked himself up. One quick glance told him the room was empty. _No Kakuzu, thank Jashin_, he thought. Then, he caught sight of the spilled coins on the carpet and frowned before picking up the canister. The wooden tube was cracked across the middle, about to break in two, the bottom half hanging pathetically from fibrous threads. The wood was worn, he noted, smooth to the touch from the constant rubbing of fingers. Kakuzu's fingers.

_Creeping across the wooden surface, stroking, caressing, fingertips scalding with rising body heat… _

The feeling of dread that assaulted his stomach felt like a mixture of acid and lava was churning away inside him. He clutched his belly, feeling like he was going to vomit.

_I have to_–

He ran to the bathroom, flinging open the door. Kakuzu stared back at him, face flushed, hand buried deep in his pants.

"Hidan." Kakuzu's voice was hoarse. "What the hell are you–"

"Holy _fuck_." The Jashinist stumbled back from the door, numb fingers clutching the door for support. "What in Jashin's name are you fucking_ doing_? You-you goddamned heathen dog!"

Kakuzu straightened, hand slowly (deliberately) removing itself from between his cloak. "And who are you to judge me?" he sneered, hot anger flushing his face. "I've had enough of your self-righteous preaching, Hidan. _Enough_."

"You'll rot in hell's divine flames for what you've done. Jashin's punishment is eternal, and you will suffer his retribution." Hidan kept backing away, clutching at the pendent around his neck; words kept spilling from his mouth. "Only the faithful will be left standing once Jashin purges this world of the unworthy, only the–"

Kakuzu lost it. He'd lost it plenty of times before with his previous partners, but Hidan pushed him past breaking point to an unforgivable place. He snatched a fistful of Hidan's hair in his fist and yanked. Hidan's head snapped back and Kakuzu found himself staring at parted, damp lips. A sense of recklessness rushed over him and before Kakuzu knew it, his mouth had met Hidan's in an explosive rush. The taste of spice exploded on his tongue –Hidan must have eaten something strong and spicy recently, Kakuzu noted hazily– and the spice was tempered by a milky flavour. Kakuzu hated milk. He thought about telling Hidan that, but realised that Hidan must have noticed that by now… after all, they had been partners for so long that… surely by now…

_Why am I thinking about that now? It doesn't matter if Hidan drinks milk. He can drown himself in milk and I wouldn't care. And it doesn't matter if he knows I hate it or not. It only matters because I'm kissi– no. _

He felt intense pain flaring. His hearts… all five hearts were thrumming in an intense, rhythm, thudding almost audibly against his ribs.

_Am I… am I having a heart attack? Are all five of my hearts going into cardiac arrest at the same time? Because I_ kissed_ him?_

He could feel Hidan trembling in his arms and the tightening of the Jashinist's grip on his waist. He felt suffocated, dizzy. It occurred to him that Hidan probably felt the same need for air but Kakuzu didn't care. Hidan had earned the punishment. He threaded his fingers through Hidan's hair, not even pausing to marvel at the feeling of liquid silk on his fingertips, and pulled their faces closer in a demanding gesture. He was drowning in it –whatever they would later choose to call this moment, be it fate or a terrible mistake– he was drowning in it.

Suddenly hands were scrabbling at both sides of his face. Nails raked over his cheek and Kakuzu abruptly released the man from his embrace. Panting sharply, he noticed with dim satisfaction that Hidan was as shaken as he was. More so, even.

"Bastard–!"

"Shut up. Just shut up."

And he grabbed Hidan again, forcing their lips together. Hidan's mouth was hot and slick on his own, and he ignored the Jashinist's struggles as he reached down with one hand and yanked Hidan's cloak open. He knew the flesh wasn't smooth, that it was pitted with welts and old scars from Hidan's rituals, but when his fingertips met the wetness of blood, he drew back.

"You–" he started raggedly, "what did you do to yourself now? You shouldn't have–" His hand splayed roughly over Hidan's stomach and back, feeling the fresh welts still seeping blood. "You… punished yourself. You idiot."

Hidan looked at him with eyes that were glazed, feverish. "What did you think I would do?" he hissed, nails digging viciously into Kakuzu's skin. "I allowed you to–to _defile_ me. _That is unforgivable!_ I had to repent; Jashin forgives those who repent for their sins with blood. This body is nothing, _nothing_ without the grace of Jashin, did you realise that? I am nothing without my god. I live to worship him. And you think I can just throw that away? For _you_?"

"I never asked you to give me a damn thing–"

"Liar! Seriously, what the hell did you think you've been asking me to do?"

Guilt crept in again. Kakuzu had never meant for any of this to be serious in the first place. It was just… he had been so fed up with everything. Everything was too much, the Akatsuki, money, Hidan... especially Hidan. It would be so much easier if Hidan were gone. All that he had done was akin to a game, a game that would yield a prize. If he had to screw with Hidan's head to get his reward, so be it. Yet he couldn't believe that _he_ was feeling guilty when everything was Hidan's fault in the first place.

"You shouldn't take your vows so seriously," he said finally.

"Don't you dare criticise my vows, you have no damn right. You were the one who violated me."

Kakuzu's eyes darkened. "Then why did you let me do what I wanted to you? Did you…" he stepped closer. "Did you want me to do it?"

"W-What? You've got be fucking kidding, I would _never_ want you to lay a finger on me." Hidan flushed scarlet, taking a faltering step backwards. "You're out of your goddamn mind if you think I would want your dirty hands all over me–"

He saw Kakuzu smile, a feral leer that exposed his teeth and felt a stab of apprehension in his gut. The other man moved forward, so quickly that Hidan didn't react he just stood there dumbly.

"You mean these dirty hands?" a harsh voice breathed at his ear.

Suddenly Hidan found himself on the bed, flat on his back, cloak flung open, hands lined with irregular stitching roaming over whatever skin they could find. A forceful mouth blocked his protests, and for a moment time was suspended in amber.

"_No!_"

Kakuzu reeled back, clutching his bleeding lip. "You see?" he breathed, eyes gleaming as if he had just proved something.

"No," Hidan repeated. "You won't do this to me. I won't let you."

"You just did, Hidan."

The Jashinist curled his fists at his side. Kakuzu stood, looking down at them and glancing back up at him.

"Going to hit me? Go ahead. I won't stop you."

When his face exploded in pain, Kakuzu didn't do anything. It was his own little punishment and he didn't stop what was deserved. He even let Hidan hit him again, marvelling at the fact that his delicate-looking partner could pack quite a punch when he wanted to.

When Hidan stormed out of their bedroom, Kakuzu sat there on the floor, cradling his bruised face, and let him go.


	5. Chapter 5

_Ars Amatoria_

_Chapter Five: Of Spiritual Incapacitation and (Not So) Nervous Breakdowns_

_

* * *

_

At the age of twelve, Kakuzu had strangled his father. He didn't remember feeling any satisfaction in doing so; he only remembered the necessity of the act. His father was a criminal with a bounty on his head, a bounty that would provide the food and shelter that Kakuzu needed and didn't have.

The dark-haired boy had waited until the man was snoring before crouching next to the bed, a coil of wire twined around his hands. The wire was sharp, scraping against his skin with every shallow breath he took. Slowly, he raised himself, angling his body behind the headboard of the bed. It was low enough that he could reach down and begin winding the wire around his father's thick neck. Coiling, winding, tighter, _tighter_… until the first drops of wetness slid over his fingers. A panicked grunting then, as the man woke up, a strangled yell of surprise when the wire tightened still.

He was dead within two minutes. The pillow was soaked red, and when Kakuzu relaxed his grip on the wire and felt the stiffness of his fingers, he knew some of it was his own. Staring impassively at the dead body on the bed, Kakuzu reached for the blade hanging at his side.

The head had to be produced to claim the bounty.

Was he expected to feel something when he handed over the bloody sack containing his father's head for a stack of golden coins? He didn't _need_ guilt or remorse, so he simply neglected to feel them. Holding up the gold coin, admiring its gleam, and knowing that it would provide a hot meal that night, he felt nothing but a warm glow of accomplishment and satisfaction.

Now, Kakuzu held a similar coin in his hand, cradling the smooth edges between his fingers. He tried to recall that feeling, failed to grasp that euphoric memory, and looked to the rest of his horde. The mountains of gold failed to stir the slightest bit of pleasure or contentment in him. It was infuriating. His gold, his _life's work_... he looked at it all, and it meant _nothing_.

Even flipping through the pages of his bounty records, seeing the faces of those he had slain through the century he had lived and hunted, brought naught but frustration. Anger finally got the better of him, and he flung the journal into the corner, scattering a tower of coins in the process.

Breathing hard, nostrils flaring, Kakuzu stared at the mess for several moments before he slumped in his chair and buried his head in his hands.

It had only taken a month for him to completely lose it. He couldn't take it any more. His concentration was shot to hell. Not one, but _three_ bounties had escaped him in the past two weeks. He was making stupid, careless mistakes, and it wouldn't be much longer until Pein decided punishment was needed.

Hidan. Everything was his fault, of course. Kakuzu would let himself be petty over that. Even if he knew that his remorse was his own. Remorse. He _hated_ the sound of it.

Since Hidan had been gone, gradually, a feeling of intense guilt had begun to eat away at his insides. It had started the morning after Hidan had left the house, when Kakuzu had woken up that morning looking at an empty bed and realised that Hidan might not be coming home again. Ever. And ever, Kakuzu was realising painfully, was a very, _very_ long time.

He grasped the scroll lying on top of the table, stomach clenching at the familiar scrawl skipping across the paper.

* * *

Upon integrating himself into the Akatsuki household, Kakuzu had needed to lay down certain ground rules to prevent unnecessary murder and violence on his part. Firstly, if you happened to get in the way of a bounty, or interfere in a moneymaking scheme, you were a dead man. No exceptions. Secondly, it was a general rule that if you stayed out of his way completely and kept within the budget, Kakuzu would extend the same courtesy and quite happily ignore your existence.

Hidan had, quite predictably, flouted these two rules at every turn.

He used the most expensive cleansing products he could find; the water bill rocketed every time Hidan even _thought_ about water, he was infuriatingly pious even though he was the most foul-mouthed person Kakuzu had ever met, and he complained incessantly, often about nothing of importance, and _always_ at the times when Kakuzu was doing something important, such as sleeping. And most agonizingly of all, despite all the bullshit Hidan had put him through in the past year, Kakuzu still…

"You miss him, un."

Kakuzu stared at Deidara with murderous, bloodshot eyes. "I don't miss him!"

The bomber stared at him with something resembling pity in his eye, and said more gently, "Maybe just a little then?"

"Not even a little. Not at all!" he snarled, slamming a fist onto the table. The motion jarred the cup of tea being placed in front of him, and Tobi let out a squeak as the hot liquid spilt over the lip of the cup.

Deidara sighed, tossing a kitchen cloth in their direction. "I don't know why you bothered to make him tea," he said to his partner, who busied himself with mopping up the puddle. "He won't drink it."

"Tea usually helps."

Rolling his eyes, Deidara said scornfully, "Why is tea your answer for everything?"

The masked shinobi shrugged. "It's something to do. Keeps the hands busy," he explained. "Please drink it, Kakuzu-san."

Giving the cup a baleful look, Kakuzu pushed it away from him. Deidara smiled slightly, knowing it was an improvement considering that Kakuzu's usual course of action would be throwing the cup into someone's face. He wound his fingers together, resting his elbows on the table, considering the sullen man sitting across from him.

"If you're being honest, and you _don't_ care," and Deidara's tone made it patently obvious that he knew Kakuzu was in complete and utter denial, "then why are you so bothered by Hidan running off?"

"It's an inconvenience to me," he replied shortly. "Now I'll need another partner, and immortals are hard to come by in case you haven't noticed."

"You're a shitty liar, un."

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed. "Hidan was one of a kind, you idiot. An irreplaceable asset to the organization." Then, realising how that sounded, he added quickly, "Nothing more than that."

Deidara smiled serenely. "Everyone in Akatsuki is replaceable, Kakuzu. All we are–" he held up one hand, turning it so that the ring caught the light, "are bodies to carry these. And money?" He shrugged. "Anyone can earn money. We're not the only S-rank criminals running loose. Pein could walk outside now and recruit any shinobi with an ability that he wants, toss a cloak over their shoulders and make 'em do the same mercenary work we do. Hidan isn't an irreplaceable asset, except…" the bomber gave him a sly look from his visible eye. "To you."

Kakuzu's knuckles tightened where they gripped the kitchen table. "No. No, that's not true. I'm only interested in business. Hidan was simply a tool–"

"But you still liked him, didn't you, Kakuzu-san?"

Tobi's innocent question was left dangling in pure silence, before an enraged snarl broke it.

"Now you've done it," Deirdara rolled his eye at the ceiling. He watched unperturbed as an irate Kakuzu lunged across the table and grabbed Tobi around the neck, slamming him against the fridge. "I warned you about asking him crap like that, didn't I? You promised to keep your mouth shut. And Pein's gonna blow a gasket when he sees the dent you've made on the fridge. Just so you know, that's not coming out of _my_ paycheck."

Tobi could only reply with a terrified squeak as Kakuzu loomed over him, mouth twisting obscenely with fury underneath his mask.

"Sempai, help me!"

The bomber rose to his feet, smoothing his cloak. "Sure, sure… don't wanna have Pein in my face again… Kakuzu, enough. Let go of the idiot. You know you just gotta ignore him when he starts running his mouth off."

Kakuzu, deep in the maelstrom of his rage, ignored him and threw Tobi over his head. Before the later could even yell, he crashed through the kitchen table, and lay dazed in a sprawl of limbs. Deidara sighed, scratching his head.

"And you're trying to convince us that you _don't_ care?" he muttered, rolling a ball of clay in his palm. The mouth made a sucking noise as the sphere plopped out, and he took it between his fingers. It was one of a new range of smoke grenades that he had developed over the past few months, useful when the Akatsuki needed to make a quick getaway. As Kakuzu advanced towards the cowering Tobi, Deidara tossed the clay ball into the air once, flicked a quick seal with the same hand and plucked the grenade out of the air to toss it at Kakuzu's feet. The clay sphere exploded on impact with the tiled floor, filling Kakuzu's lungs with acrid dust particles and blinding his eyes.

A fit of coughing wracked his body, and he stumbled forward to land on his knees on the shattered remains of the kitchen table – a pile of broken wood where Tobi was no longer sprawled. Deidara had gripped his spluttering partner by the collar of his cloak and then dragged him out of the kitchen, shaking his head and muttering irritably to himself.

He paused in the doorway, glancing back at Kakuzu as the thick smoke began to clear.

"Go look for him. Bring him back here before you go crazy, un."

"No," Kakuzu rasped, coughing again to clear the dust from his throat. "I finally got rid of him. I wanted this–"

At Deidara's sceptical look, Kakuzu said agonisingly, "_Do you think I want to be like this_? You think I want to be… out of my goddamn _mind_ just because of _Hidan_?"

"Of course you don't _want_ to," the bomber said, unperturbed. "But that doesn't change the fact that you _are_. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll snap out of this crappy mood. Do us all a favour and bring back Hidan."

"Bring him back? I'd rather rip out all my hearts!"

Deidara sighed. "You're one stubborn bastard, un."

"Sempaaaaiiii, I don't want Kakuzu-san to lose his mind."

"Shut it." Scowling, Deidara gave his partner a half-hearted shake before he began pulling him from the room. "You've caused enough trouble for one day, un."

Kakuzu remained alone in the kitchen, muttering to himself.

"I can't do it. I'll just have to find another partner. There has to be another immortal _somewhere_ who wants to work for a criminal organisation..."

After all, he couldn't hold to a promise of not killing a new partner should Pein decide to replace Hidan – if Kakuzu had to be in someone's company constantly, he was bound to kill them sooner or later. To make matters worse, he remembered with a groan, Pein _couldn't _replace Hidan so long as the Jashinist had his ring.

So. No new partner – at least until Hidan returned the ring. And Hidan had, in the words of the hastily scribbled note delivered to headquarters, taken a sabbatical in light of his 'religious crisis' and needed time off 'to cleanse his soul of heathen taint'.

Bullshit. It hadn't been _that_ bad. In fact, it had felt pretty damn _good_. Aside from some of the scars and welts, Hidan had amazingly soft, warm skin, and his lips were the perfect texture, not too dry, and not too wet. Kakuzu hated kisses that were too sloppy, there was nothing that turned him off more than what felt like litres of someone else's saliva trickling into his mouth. And Hidan had eyelashes that fluttered in the exact way that devastated Kakuzu's defences completely–

…

…

Wait.

What the _fuck _was that?

Horrified, Kakuzu tottered to his feet. "I – thinking of Hidan that way… what the… I just – _fuck_."

_I'm finally losing it_.

Overcome with the horror that was his own imagination, Kakuzu staggered out of the kitchen, blindly feeling his way while using the wall for support. Unbidden, his mind had consciously thought of Hidan – in explicit sexual connotations no less – and for that brief moment, Kakuzu had _liked_ what he remembered from that day. Thus he was forced to face an awful, earth-shattering possibility:

_Am I… am I gay? For Hidan? _

_Oh, yes_, his consciousness told him smugly. _Totally gay_.

* * *

"He's been locked up in his room for a week now. Something's awfully wrong, sempai."

"I think he had a nervous breakdown," the Iwa bomber replied indifferently, picking at his sandwich.

Underneath his mask, Tobi blanched. "A-A nervous breakdown? Shouldn't we be helping him?"

"What for?"

"He'll just have another one when Hidan comes back," Kisame pointed out, reaching for his own sandwich. "There'd better not be any tuna on this, Tobi."

Tobi nibbled worriedly on his bottom lip, too preoccupied to eat anything. "Is Hidan-san really coming back?"

Kisame shoved half of the sandwich in his mouth, ignoring the crumbs spilling onto his cloak. "He doesn't have much choice. Leader-sama gave the retrieval order yesterday, and he sent Zetsu to bring him back. If he tries to run, Zetsu's got orders to eat him."

"He can't eat Hidan-san!"

"He will if Hidan defects from Akatsuki."

"Hidan-san won't leave us," Tobi said confidently. "He'll come back, and Zetsu-san won't have to eat him."

Deidara pushed his empty plate away and reached for a caramel cookie, breaking off a piece and feeding it to the mouth on his left hand. "I don't know… I think he'd prefer being digested by Zetsu than come back to Kakuzu."

"Sempai, you're heartless."

"No," Kisame disagreed with a wry grin. "We're just Akatsuki."

* * *

Zetsu disliked Suna immensely. It was too hot, too dry, and there was not a hint of green foliage in sight. His leaves rustled irritably before they curled further in on themselves to escape the drying heat of the sun. He'd need to have a dip in the oasis Hidan had found before he left the area, or he would be a shrivelled stump by the time he managed to return to headquarters. Zetsu forced his gaze from the tempting pool, to the pathetic sight of a bedraggled Hidan staring back at him.

"You have got to be fucking kidding. You've got orders to _eat me_?"

"I'm afraid so," Zetsu said sympathetically. "If you don't come back to headquarters with me, Leader-sama has ordered the retrieval of your ring and the disposal of your body."

Sweat trickled down the back of Hidan's ragged, travel-stained cloak. "So… what if I just give you my ring? I don't want it, seriously. You can pretend that you ate me, like Snow White and that huntsman, or some shit. I mean, come on, you don't really want to eat me – I probably taste like crap –"

"_No_," Zetsu's black half rasped, in what was an attempt to be reassuring. "_You've always looked very tasty to us_."

Hidan paled. "So you're serious. About eating me if I don't come back to Akatsuki," he said faintly, looking ill when Zetsu nodded his affirmation. "I don't fucking believe this."

He sat down on a nearby boulder, dropping his head into his hands. "I can't. If I go back, I'll still be Kakuzu's partner, won't I? We'll still have to share the same room. My vows… I won't be able to take it…"

Zetsu nodded awkwardly. "There's no one else capable of partnering Kakuzu."

"_He'll kill anyone else_," the other half added.

"So you see, you're… ah, special."

"Special?" He spat out the word. "I just won't die, that's all. So when Kakuzu throws one of his tantrums, I'm just a fucking _convenience_ because I won't die if he freaking stabs me or something. He doesn't give a shit about anything else, about _me_ – would it kill the bastard to appreciate me? Just once, seriously. _He's_ the one who molests me, he makes me _like_ it, and then he acts like it's my fucking fault!"

"He made you… like it?"

Hidan froze, realising what he had blurted out.

"Aw, _fuck_."

* * *

"Zetsu found Hidan hiding in a cave on the outskirts of Suna."

"Hidan was absolutely hysterical, no doubt," the woman beside him murmured; focusing on the piece of paper she was twisting between her fingers.

Pein nodded, lifting a hand to shade his eyes while he squinted into the distance.

"Spiritually incapacitated," he muttered irritably. At the questioning look from Konan, Pein added shortly, "the reason for his absence. If he thought he was incapacitated _before_ he ran away, it is nothing compared to how incapacitated he _will _be when he returns."

"That's if he returns," she reminded him mildly.

Her partner snorted. "The only alternative is being eaten and digested alive. And since Hidan is immortal, that might take a very long time."

Both of them winced at the thought.

"Good point."

The paper fluttered and crumpled slightly between her fingertips as a light breeze swept across the cliff top. Konan brushed her hair back from her forehead, tilting her chin up. She felt Pein's fingers graze idly across the flower ornament nestled amidst her blue locks as he contemplated the horizon. Relaxing into the familiar touch, she let her gaze wander down, back to where the headquarters was nestled, and paused.

"Pein."

He turned at the mystified tone in her voice.

"Tobi... he's hanging something across the front of the house. I think it's–"

They both squinted in disbelief at the colourful sheet being strung across Akatsuki headquarters. Three words had been scrawled upon the surface and it now resembled an obscene lettered rainbow:

_Welcome home, Hidan-san! _

"He made a banner?" she wondered aloud, rising to her feet.

Pein frowned as his eyes adjusted to the distance, honing in on the unfortunate sheet being stretched across the building's exterior. He choked. That was _his_ sheet. His favourite _Egyptian cotton_ sheet. Pein's nostrils flared, and Konan took one look at his pale, pinched expression before she wisely disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The top of the cliff exploded.

* * *

Contrary to what the rest of his colleagues believed, Kakuzu had not experienced a nervous breakdown. What he had experienced came pretty damn close however, and his nerves were in tatters. Hidan's disappearance and his own self-doubt (and _denial_, as his consciousness reminded him gleefully) had pushed him to the very edge of sanity. The only thing keeping him from falling over that edge was his determination not to lose his mind _because_ of Hidan.

Miserably, Kakuzu huddled deeper under the cloying heat of his duvet. He'd never been attached to anyone before. His mother had never stuck around long enough for him to become attached, and his father… well. A similar story, one that Kakuzu had ended as a child. With no siblings, Kakuzu had been free to go where he wanted, whenever he wanted. No strings attached – no one to bind him. No one who could ensnare him in the webs of their lives – not that there had been any who even wanted to (because in all honesty, Kakuzu was a mean, stingy bastard and there were few who wanted to live that).

_Money. Money. Focus on money. Great big golden coins, rolling across my fingers… crisp bills resting lightly on my palm… money. My beautiful, precious money. That's right – If I can fill my head with money, I won't have to think about Hi – _

Kakuzu groaned, rolling over and pressing his face into the pillow. Without fail, his mind turned to Hidan every five to ten seconds. It was infuriating. It was depressing. _And he couldn't do a damn thing about it!_

His eyes began to water. God, was he going to _cry_ because of _Hidan_? No! He glared into his pillow, and instead wondered if he could successfully smother himself with it as he was.

He was jerked out of his blissful contemplation of suicide by a soft tapping on the bedroom door. Despite him saying nothing, it creaked open. He knew exactly who it was – no one else would bother checking up on him.

"Go away, Tobi," he croaked, raising his blotched face from the bed.

"But – Kakuzu-san…"

"Go. Away."

"But, Kakuzu-san, it's–"

"I don't care. Leave me alone before I kill you." The sullen retort was groaned before Kakuzu's face smothered itself with the pillow.

Tobi took a tentative step into the stifling room. "We just wanted to let you know that Hidan – Hidan-san is coming back home!"

_That_ got his attention.

"_What?_"

Tobi squeaked when Kakuzu shot up from the bed, automatically retreating a few steps. "We thought you'd be happy to know that Zetsu-san is bringing Hidan-san home…"

"_When?_"

Tobi winced at the horrible snarl and quavered in a very small voice, "Um… today. They should – they should be here in an hour."

Kakuzu screamed. An incoherent shriek of frustration, rage and despair. A terrified Tobi watched him fling a chair across the room and vent more of his anger on an ill-fated antique desk.

And above the sound of splintering wood, and a distant booming noise coming from a nearby cliff, Tobi could still be heard asking, "Do you want to see the welcome-home sign I made, Kakuzu-san?"

* * *

_TBC_

* * *

_A/N_: And now we are leading up to an emotional/chaotic reunion - and in the case of Hidan and Kakuzu, it will be a disaster. Especially if that darn Tobi gets himself involved (if he manages to scrape himself off the ceiling when Pein gets through with him ^^). A big thank you has to go to the readers who continue to support this fic. Serious hugs and kisses to you all! :3


	6. Chapter 6

_Ars Amatoria_

_Chapter Six_

* * *

"Picked up some weight, yeah?"

Zetsu stared miserably at the grinning Iwa bomber standing in the front doorway.

"_Don't start with me, or I'll eat your liver_."

Deidara's grin only widened at the threat, his gleeful gaze stuck to Zetsu's bulging midsection. "Did you really eat him?"

"No. But Hidan was being… er, a little difficult, so I had to take steps to bring him back."

Zetsu's leaves rustled in an awkward gesture, and he winced when a terrified, muffled scream emerged from the confines of his cloak. The scream was followed by the sounds of muted sobbing. Deidara whistled, leaning forward to part the leaves and trying to peer in.

"You sure did a number on him."

"He'll recover."

"_In a few years_," his black half said with an ugly laugh.

Zetsu's white half chose to ignore that. "Deidara, just let me in. I need to make my report to Leader-sama."

"Yeah, about that…" Deidara smirked, standing to one side as Zetsu waddled awkwardly into the house. "Might want to give him a little space. Things have been gettin' a little exciting around here."

"I… can see that."

Zetsu stared at Tobi's limp, motionless body hanging from the lounge ceiling, and then sighed.

"What did he do?"

The grinning blonde jerked his thumb back in the direction they'd come from. "You see that stupid banner he put up? Those were Pein's favourite Egyptian cotton sheets. You know, the ones that took out three of Kakuzu's hearts 'cause he had a heart attack when Pein had 'em shipped over."

Zetsu winced. Pein _was_ particularly attached to those…

"Shouldn't you let him down?"

"Nah," the blonde said indifferently. "I haven't had this much quiet in weeks. I'll think about it tomorrow."

"He's not moving," Zetsu pointed out. "And all the blood rushing to his head can't be good."

"…Think of it as a nap, yeah?"

* * *

If there was one thing Pein loved, it was good furniture. The smell of freshly polished wood, the soft gleam of antique chests under the afternoon sun, the feel of smooth leather under his fingertips… it was no coincidence that his office was the best, and most expensively decorated room in Akatsuki headquarters. Good furniture wasn't unnecessary expenditure, as Kakuzu called it, but a lifetime _investment_. Pfft, what would Kakuzu know about taste anyway? The man was content to sit on cheap _plastic_ lawn chairs. Pein shuddered with disgust and turned his glare on the man huddled in front of him.

"That chair that you happen to be digging your nails into cost four hundred dollars," he informed Kakuzu coldly.

The shock of hearing a _chair_ being associated with _four hundred dollars_ was enough to jerk Kakuzu out of his horrified stupor. "F-Four _hundred_ dollars?" he spluttered. "That's outrageous!"

"What I buy is my business," Pein said pleasantly, as a kunai appeared out of thin air and embedded itself between Kakuzu's slightly parted legs. Kakuzu actually squeaked.

"And the cost of the chair's repairs will be coming out of your pay. As will the money for the new kitchen table."

On the verge of wetting himself, Kakuzu could only nod, even as his soul cried out at the unfairness.

"Oh, and I do believe you also wrecked the furniture in your room. That little fit you had will cost you your _entire_ month's salary."

Tears came to Kakuzu's eyes.

Pein smiled. Other than going shopping for antiques, nothing pleased him more than causing misery to his subordinates.

"Now, to get down to business. You were informed that Hidan would be returning to us, correct?"

On the verge of weeping like a little girl, Kakuzu nodded miserably.

"Your working relationship with Hidan has been somewhat… unstable these past few weeks."

The Falls nin made a noise that was halfway between a snort and a sob.

"Normally I wouldn't care how close the two of you are too nervous breakdowns as long as it didn't impede your ability to function as Akatsuki. Most of you–" his nostrils flared, "–are mentally unstable in any event. I wouldn't expect any less from S-Rank criminals. My problem now is that I have two Akatsuki incapable of doing their jobs."

Pein leaned forward.

"What do you suggest I do with two useless Akatsuki?" he asked silkily.

Kakuzu gulped. "I… have one suggestion. L-Leader-sama."

"Oh? Do tell."

"Get rid of him."

Pein settled back in his chair, touching the piercing in his chin pensively. "And why shouldn't I get rid of you instead? Accountants are easy to come by – granted, not every accountant is a shinobi with your skills, but immortals are far more difficult to find."

_Well, shit_.

Kakuzu swallowed hard. "Leader-sama…"

He was cut off by the brusque knock on the door.

"Ah. That will be Zetsu with Hidan. Enter!"

Konan walked in, followed by the still bulging Zetsu and a grinning Deidara. Pein's brow lifted, but he didn't comment on Zetsu's awkward gait or the bomber's presence.

"What did you do? _Eat him_?" Kakuzu asked incredulously.

"_No,_" the black half said sullenly. "_Even though he would taste so good, we were too cowardly to…_"

"Hidan is alive and safe," the white half said quickly. "Leader-sama."

"And look at this!" Deidara interjected gleefully, bounding around Zetsu. He poked Zetsu directly in the bulge and at the contact, there were muffled screams from the cloak, and what sounded suspiciously like, "_get me the fuck out of here!_"

"My apologies, Leader-sama. The paralysis seems to be wearing off."

Pein frowned. "Let him out," he ordered.

Zetsu opened the front of his cloak, and slowly, his leaves parted to reveal the curled up form of Hidan nestled in the plant. Every inch of him was covered in a foul-smelling green slime. He was blinking slowly, mouth opening and closing, drawing in wheezing gasps.

Everyone besides Zetsu wrinkled their noses.

"_It's useful to catch dinner_," the black half of Zetsu's face said wickedly as he reached in to pull Hidan out.

"Zetsu. Not on the carpet. Deidara, take him to the bathroom and get Hidan cleaned up. Bring him back after you've ensured he won't ruin my study."

Deidara, still smirking, gave him a mock salute before pushing Zetsu out of the room. Ten minutes later they were back, pulling a shivering – but clean – Hidan, wrapped in a new cloak.

"Sit." Pein ordered; pointing imperiously to the chair Konan had placed next to Kakuzu's seat. "The rest of you, out."

"But, Leader-sama…"

"I said _out_, Deidara. And _you_ stay," he snapped, hawk-gaze pinning Kakuzu back to where he had been surreptitiously trying to slink away.

Konan bit back a smile, but bowed along with Zetsu, and then each of them took one of Deidara's arms to drag him out with them.

"Oh, and Leader-sama? About Tobi… could we let him down now?"

Pein scowled. "_Those sheets were Egyptian cotton_," he hissed.

"…I suppose that means no, then."

"Y-You.."

Zetsu blinked and looked at the quivering figure huddled in the chair.

Hidan pointed at him and said hoarsely, "don't you _ever _fucking do that to me again. If you try, I'll fucking cut you to pieces with the dullest pair of garden shears I can find and I'll feed you to rabid donkeys while you're still fucking _alive_, I swear to Jashin!"

"It's nice to know you're alright, Hidan."

"_Fuck you!_"

"Sit down and shut up! For the last time, all of you, _out_."

Hidan lapsed into sullen silence as everyone filed out, looking everywhere around the room except at Pein or Kakuzu.

"So. Spiritual incapacitation. Care to explain that, Hidan?"

The Jashinist mumbled something unintelligible under his breath, fidgeting in his chair. He yelped when a kunai thunked past his head, taking a few silver hairs with it, and embedded itself in the wall behind him. Wide-eyed, he stared at Pein.

"You almost hit me with that, asshole! I mean, fuck, I'm immortal, but that shit still hurts!"

"Answer the question, Hidan." Another kunai appeared between Pein's fingertips, and he twirled it lazily, eyes fixed on the Jashinist. "Because next time I won't miss. And like you said, it _will_ hurt."

Hidan's mouth twisted, but he nodded resentfully. "I needed to leave to cleanse my soul," was all he mumbled. "And I couldn't do it around here."

"I believe I told you before Hidan, that I don't care what happens between you and Kakuzu, as long as you function as Akatsuki. Judging from both of your recent behaviours, it is clear that that is no longer possible. I can tolerate maiming, I can tolerate you ripping each apart, but I cannot tolerate desertion. _You do not desert Akatsuki_!"

Both men flinched when Pein's voice rose. He glared at both of them before continuing.

"Kakuzu has suggested that I solve this problem by getting rid of you. That," and his gaze flickered to the Falls nin, "is _not_ an option. And neither is getting rid of Kakuzu," he added flatly when Hidan perked up.

"The two of you complement each other's abilities. You are a perfect cell within Akatsuki, unable to partner anyone else. Either you stay and work together, or I kill and replace _both_ of you."

"But I'm–"

"I don't care that you're immortal," Pein cut him off. "I will find a way to annihilate you completely and in the most painful way possible."

"Yeah," Hidan muttered glumly, hunching over in his chair. "I don't doubt for a second that you wouldn't, you bastard."

"So, it is either that you stay and co-operate with each other, or you both die. Your choice."

Kakuzu heaved a sigh. He hated to admit it, but it was game over. Between his sanity and his life… he had to go with his life. Even an insane man could still make money. Perhaps if he confessed his plot now, it would stop these damn emotions floating around in his brain. He could limit his contact with Hidan as much as possible – surely his partner would agree to do the same. They could push the past few days behind them and continue with a purely _business_ arrangement.

"I'd rather die than live with this heathen fucker anymore!"

Pein's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I know you've always hated each other. I knew you would hate each other before you even met. But this is different. Something changed recently. What was it?"

_Shit_.

Kakuzu had to act now before this blew up in his face. "Leader-sama–"

"_He wants to have sex with me!_"

Pein blinked.

Kakuzu nearly went into cardiac arrest then and there.

"All this," Pein said slowly, "is because Kakuzu wants to have sex with you?"

"Yes!" Hidan exclaimed brokenly, clutching the armrests of his chair with hooked fingers. "He _violated_ me, forced me to break my holiest of vows… that's why I left! He tainted me with his filthy heathen ways. I had to preserve what little sanctity I have left!"

Silence. The only thing stopping Kakuzu from leaping out of his seat and _strangling_ Hidan was the fact he really _was _having a heart attack. One of his hearts had had enough.

Then, through the pain, a strange noise reached his ears. A sound that filled him with fear… Pein was _laughing_. He was laughing so hard that he was slapping his palm on the desk, doubled over in mirth.

"You expect me to believe," he said, through snorts of laughter, "that Kakuzu wants to engage in sexual intercourse with _you_?"

Insulted, Hidan snapped back without thinking, "why the hell wouldn't he want me?"

Pein only laughed harder, while Kakuzu's heart finally gave out. For a brief moment, he was rendered blissfully unconscious, until another one of his hearts kicked in.

"Oh, I don't doubt that he might find you attractive. I just don't believe that he would act on it. He despises you."

Clutching his still throbbing chest with one hand, Kakuzu knew he had to talk fast. _Now_.

But first, there were things he had to consider.

If he and Hidan didn't co-operate with each other, Pein was going to kill them. It was clear that Hidan had no intention of co-operating; he was just jabbering hysterically to Pein about Kakuzu's apparent quest to screw him up the ass.

Kakuzu _could_ confess right now, which would mean Hidan would find out everything.

Which was fine, wasn't it?

_Wasn't it?_

"Well then," Pein said slowly, an amused glint flickering in his eyes, "I think I have just the way to deal with this particular… _problem_."

"Wait, I still have something I want to say–" Kakuzu began, but Pein waved a hand, cutting him off.

"No, no, I've made my decision. The two of you will be confined to your room starting today. For a week. Completely and utterly alone."

The explosion was simultaneous.

"Are you out of your _mind_?"

"What the _fuck_ is that supposed to accomplish?"

Pein only offered a serene smile in response to their screams. "Your relationship needs work, gentlemen. And I believe you need some time alone to… sort things out amongst yourselves."

"You can't be fucking serious," Hidan said weakly.

"If by the end of the week, you still cannot work together, I will kill you both without hesitation."

"That's not fair!"

"I don't believe I care if it is or isn't." Pein rose from behind his desk. "I'll even accompany you there myself and make sure you _stay_ there."

"Well, fuck me," Hidan muttered, storming out of the room.

"I'm sure Kakuzu will oblige if you ask nicely enough."

Kakuzu winced at the shrill noise of Hidan's high-pitched shrieks and fought the urge to throw himself out the window as he dragged himself after Pein.

* * *

_No escape. _

_There is no escape from this!_

Pein had kept his word. Their bedroom had been made completely inescapable. And Kakuzu _knew_ that the leader had laid traps outside the window – and knowing Pein, they would be the nastiest and most sadistic traps known to man. If he wanted to continue living with his body wholly intact, he had no choice but to stay locked in this room for a whole week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty eight hours. Ten thousand and eighty seconds.

With Hidan.

_Alone_.

He sat down heavily on the bed, ignoring Hidan, who was still banging on the door and screaming to be let out. Three hours later, Hidan gave up and gave himself to prayers, clutching his rosary with a vice grip and mumbling hysterical garble. All while shooting dirty, hostile looks at his partner.

Kakuzu fought the urge to try and kill him – being stuck with a bitching, injured (and probably dismembered) Hidan would make this imprisonment infinitely worse.

So he spent the first day of their imprisonment banging his head against the wall. Unfortunately, it didn't block out the whine of Hidan's voice.

The second day of their incarceration, Hidan locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out. He only unlocked the door when Kakuzu threatened to piss all over his bed and clothes.

The third day, both of them sat on their beds, backs to each other, not saying a word.

On the fourth day, Kakuzu re-considered his options. He had to rectify the mistakes of the past few days. Nothing had gone as he had originally planned – hell, he'd _fucked_ himself over to the point of a nervous breakdown – and his situation with Hidan had spiralled horribly out of control. It wasn't possible to solve all the confusion or take back all that had been done, Kakuzu knew that and he wasn't stupid enough to think it could be pushed so easily aside. But they had to come to some sort of agreement, and at the very least… he could – no, _should_ – confess his entire scheme.

"We should talk."

He was met with stony silence, broken only by the sound of the door slamming as Hidan locked himself in the bathroom again.

On the fifth day, when Hidan emerged from the bathroom again, Kakuzu was determined to try again. But when the door opened, and he saw the expression on Hidan's face, his mouth just opened and no words came out.

They both just stared at each other, until–

"I think…I think I might be gay," the Jashinist said in a strangled voice.

Kakuzu froze. "No," he said calmly, fighting down a rising wave of panic. "No, you can't be."

And the tidal wave burst.

"I'm fucking _serious_, you jerk. God, this so typical of you! I try to tell you something, I'm trying to find a way fix this pile of shit _you_ dumped on us and you just blow me off. Don't you understand how bad this is? I'm a servant of Jashin, I belong to a fucking god and then there's _you_. Do you have any idea how much you're fucking up my _life_?"

"No, I—"

"You_ kissed_ me. You _tainted_ me. Now you have to take some fucking responsibility!"

"It was just a kiss—"

"It was more than that, you asshole!"

"It didn't _mean_ anything, idiot. That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

There was a sudden horrible silence.

"Nothing? _Nothing_? How the fuck can you say that when it means _everything_!"

"Hidan–"

"No. No! You shut your goddamn mouth and listen to me. I've had it with all your bullshit. _You_ started this, and I can't take anymore. We're sorting this shit out now!"

"Wait–" Kakuzu's brain was still struggling to process what Hidan was saying. Specifically, _one_ thing Hidan had said. Everything else made sense, except–

"What do you mean, you think you're gay? That's–"

_Impossible, impossible, impossible, impossible…! There's no way he's gay! It can't be!_

_But what if it's true?_

What would it mean – for _both_ of them – if Hidan was actually gay?

* * *

TBC

* * *

_A/N_: Five chapters and over 10 000 hits? Thank you so much xD


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